Blind Veterans Coping With Loss 6h6c5i

Blind Veterans Coping with Loss

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BY

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Dr. Paschal Baute, Ed. D.

Copyright© 2021 Paschal Baute All Rights Reserved

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Illustrators Greg Guiteras Peggy McAllister Version 10.4 Many of these chapters Are adapted from my book Living with Gratitude , 2018, In print version. And Mind Games. 2016 In print version

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Baute Publishing 4080 Lofgren Court Lexington, KY 40509

Table of Contents

Title Page

Copyright Page

Blind Veterans Coping with Loss

Epilogue: There’s More

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Further Reading: Celtic Grace: Thin Places

Table of Contents Dedication Preface Overview and a Story Prologue: How Well Am I Managing My Self-Care? Section Onwe BLIND VETERANS’ EXPERIENCE Where Blind Veterans Find Hope and Meaning More Blind Veterans Coping Blind Veterans Not Coping In What Stage of Healing Are You? Section Two AVOID THESE FIVE DETOURS Do We Give Free Rent to Bad Stuff? Are You a Player in The Blame Game? Do You Get the Short End of The Stick? Are You Holding Resentments? Are You More of a Pessimist or an Optimist? Section Three PRACTICE THESE TEN EXPRESSWAYS

Are You Ready for Forgiveness? Can You Talk About Your Feelings? Do You Practice Positive Reframing? Do You Manage Self Talk? Do You Choose Positive Affirmation? How Do I Decide “Who Am I”? What is a Healthy Personal Faith? Do You Love Your Heart? Living with Amazement Your Resilience Tool Kit Why I Should the Blind Veterans Association Epilogue: There’s More Appendices Section Four One: How Blind Veterans Reach the VA Two: More VA Resources for the Blind Veteran Three: Our Favorite Songs Four: Mentoring Your Family Veteran Five: If I Were God (a Poem) Contributors About the Author

Other Books by the Author If You Like This Book

Dedication I dedicate this work to the untold number of family caregivers who make these awesome stories possible. To illustrate the Beauty of their caring, I have a true story. Recently, I agreed by telephone to witness the renewal of marriage vows at our Amazing Grace Outdoor Wedding Chapple in rural Fayette County near Lexington, Kentucky. Here is the email message I got from the wife after confirming arrangements. .I offer that it represents the hidden beauty of the ongoing gracious caring of the family care givers of our many blind veterans. “Thank you so much for this!! My husband has Alzheimer’s and he is my everything. Whenever we would travel, the first thing he would do, is find us a preacher or judge and ask me to marry him, again!! With flowers in hand and a new ring to boot, we would re marry. We’ve renewed our vows 34 times in our 20+ years of marriage. We are not out to set records, only to reinstate why we wed to begin with. In recent days, as his memory is failing, I’m trying to continue what he so proudly started! My Sonny is my world and every day as he slowly slips away from me, I hang on, hold as tight as I can and pray, he stays just a little longer. He’s doing fine, but some days are interesting to say the least. We are thrilled to know you will be there for us. “ When I realize if I had not told her that I do not charge for the renewal of vows, I might not have received this email, I know once more how lucky I am in the caregiving I receive.

Preface If you, a veteran, or a blind veteran or a family caregiver had asked a VA person, is there any guide or handbook that could help me as I try to cope, find meaning and hope in my hurt, my wounds, my medical condition, you would have gotten a shrug, a blank stare or a “Dunno!”Out of need and curiosity, I kept asking, four trips to a blind rehab center, ten years of VIST programming, and specific of my primary care team, is there such a resource? I never got a positive answer, not even a single suggestion. This long inquiry even included a special trip to Lexington VA office of Head of mental health services. The psychologist director could not even be interested in a research project to create such a guide. So, this book is totally self-published with all the headaches that involved. By the way, I would not want some guide written by some academic. I would want a guide written by veterans who are hurting, who have been forced to deal with the worst stuff like blindness and amputees (maybe both). I could be guided by their personal search for meaning and hope. That could touch me, move me., guide me in my own search. I learn better by example, as do most of us. This is why I set out to create a practical guide written by veterans, interviewing veterans how they were finding meaning and hope, which would serve as a role model for other veterans and blind veterans. Fortunately, I have Zoom text, but every word was recorded by me and typed by me, a tedious and challenging project. Right now, I feel like a woman pregnant nine and ½ months who has just delivered. I can hardly believe the baby has finally arrived! The dedication of the book is to family caregivers, our unsung heroes too often who must deal with their own setbacks and speed bumps, with their own losses as they adjust more to their family veteran. My experience of my VA training programs for blind veterans is that little attention has been given to family caregivers. Hence, my dedication. And a special chapter in the print version. Now, after years of planning, the VA is slowly rolling out their Whole Health, culture changing orientation. The core principle is for the veteran to take charge of his life, to embrace what is necessary for whole health or wellness. However, no guide, checklist or rules for achieving this goal is to be found. The irony is that this self-published book by this blind veteran does precisely that, accomplished by one veteran with the VA diagnosis of “Catastrophically

Disabled.” We go further. On the very next page is found “How Well Do You Manage Your Self Care” with ten tips. . This book is my gift to my blind Veteran community, many friends and caregivers including Hines’s personnel. It is a small return on the many untold graces which have raised me up, so undeservedly. This is why I have dedicated this work to our veteran family caregivers.

Overview Part One: Blind Veterans Experience begins with holy ground: blind veterans describing their spirituality: where and how they find meaning and hope, often with a personal faith or, perhaps, just putting one on foot in front of the other, in the most varied of words. This is chapter One and Two. This coping is contrasted with the stumbling of other blind veterans, seemingly trapped in anger, in Chapter Three. This shows how many ways we can stop ourselves from coping. Chapter Four lays out the stages of the healing process, that grief work all who suffer loss must transition. This allows the reader to judge where he or she might be in the healing process. Part Two has five chapters, each a common road block or detour away from coping and healing. These are an instinctive focus on the negative, finding fault, believing one got the short end, holding resentments, and not understanding the value of acknowledging the natural range of feelings. These behaviors are detours away from healing as they will keep one stuck in the past. These five ways illustrate challenges of the implicit negative bias we all have . Part Three offers nine highways to resilience gathered from 50 years of therapeutic experience including developing workshops for non-violent repeat addictive offenders. Part three also employs the ten years of experience as a blind veteran as well as listening to the experiences of many blind veterans. Each of these pathways is a valuable remedy to the detours described in Part Two. Chapter 19 summarizes the themes discovered in the descriptions of these blind veterans and offers a step by step “tool kit” for achieving resilience, that is to say, coping no matter what. Chapter 20 invites the reader to consider the many values and benefits of ing the Blinded Veterans Association. The reader will have learned firsthand that value by the personal stories of several blind veterans who are BVA in chapters one and two. The main section closes with a poem “There’s More.” Two appendices provide all the information any blind veteran would want about VA resources for blind veterans. Appendix Three is a list of happy songs to be

ed to smartphones. The book ends with information about contributors and the author. Appendix Four offers some twelve tips for the veteran caregiver. In Appendix Five, “If I were God,” I declare my faith. Now a story. Two monks were returning from a long trip to their monastery, still for a full day of walking. About midday, they came to a river to cross where a young woman stood staring. To the older monk’s astonishment, the young monk went up to the woman and started talking. She said she needed to cross but was afraid. He said, climb on my back and the three crossed the river. After another five hours of walking, the two monks arrived at the monastery gate. “Before we go in,” said the older monk, “I need to onish you, Brother Christopher. As a monk, you should not have carried that young woman across the river. It was shameful and dangerous, likely to be sinful” “Father Eberhard, “ said the young monk, “I put her down when we crossed the river. But it seems you have been carrying her ever since! Who has the shame?” Thought. What treasure shall we carry in the sacred vessel that is our heart?

How Well Am I Managing My Self-Care? Perhaps the most important question we can ask ourselves is not “How is my back, knees, heart, diabetes, or whatever, but, rather: “How am I doing with my self-care? How am I managing my responsibility to keep myself healthy?” The recent VA Whole Health Initiative has its major aim to get veterans to accept responsibility for their own health condition. This is a bold and noble goal but without any examples or measures offered. Shockingly, VA does not inquire about self-care. After receiving some 20 years of VA care, this has never been asked of me. To ask this question means that I am aware of my primary duty to care for myself—to not depend upon others for my wellness, my health, or my meds. It is to recognize that I alone must decide what my attitude will be toward my physical, social, and mental needs. My VA caregivers tell me that about 50 percent of all veterans have some type of grievance, anger, gripe, or distrust. Could it be that some veterans are expecting VA to make them well or keep them healthy? Could it be that their negative attitude is hurting their self-care? When grievance becomes addictive, self-care becomes accidental. My experience in four different rehabilitation training gigs is that those with regular anger were addicted to their grievances. As such, there is no way they would listen to advice on self-care. Here are the questions I should be asking to help measure my whole health selfcare: 1. Is my sleeping good enough? Am I getting the recommended 7-9 hours, perhaps getting a nap at or near the midday mark? We know now that good sleep is needed for clear thinking. 2. Am I eating right, many veggies and fruits like grandma always said, and not too much fast food? 3. Am I getting enough exercise, not sitting for long periods without getting up to walk? Recommended is walking 20 minutes each day or three 30-minute

cardio workouts per week. 4. Do I appreciate my family and my caregivers, regularly showing affection and love? 5. Do I have some hobby, some interest, or “work” to help get me out of bed each morning? 6. Am I caring for my teeth and gums, brushing and flossing regularly? 7. Do I have a social life, connect regularly by social media with family , friends, knowing that social is needed for good mental health? 8. Am I conscientious in managing my pills and other recommended health practices? 9. Do I live with some sense of wonder and curiosity. keeping my mind alert and lively? 10. If blessed with the gift of faith, do I start my coffee with “Thank you, Lord,” and, hopefully find moments of grace during the day? In my book, Blind Veterans Coping with Loss, I ask 32 blind veterans where they find hope and meaning. They beautifully express 12 self-care values. Most strikingly, however, they realize that each veteran creates the outlook and attitude with which they live. Could this example of blinded veteran self-care behavior be the role model missing for the VA whole health goal? If so, this would be an encouraging gift to the entire VA community. Note. These ten tips are being published in the Summer 2021 issue of the Bulletin of the Blinded Veterans Association.

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Section One

BLIND VETERANS EXPERIENCE Chapter One Where Blind Veterans Find Hope and Meaning. It's up to us, to be the change And even though we all can still do more There's so much to be thankful for —Thankful, Josh Groban Now here is holy ground, the telling of these blind veteran’s stories. Every veteran signs a blank check to Uncle Sam to put him in harm’s way to defend the liberties of this exceptional country. In relating the precious uniqueness of these stories, I am honored and humbled in the task set before me, a duty I have regard as sacred. I started this project four years ago, but most interviews were gathered in the past nine months. Each of these blind veterans were asked the question, “Where do you find meaning and hope? The interviews were recorded and then typed. These are not just “veteran stories” but blind veterans describing in most personal how they have coped with the most debilitating experience of their lives. This has been a labor of love for me, even a sacred duty to get these stories recorded so other blind veterans, some 100,000 who are not connected with the VA, with only a small fraction connected with the networking supplied by the Blind Veteran’s Association.

Larry Navy Age 68

“I have had so many medical things before this. That I just feel I have to survive whatever comes along. You must stay positive or you are not going to make it. I am one of the fortunate ones who still has some vision. I didn’t even know Hines existed until January. A friend of mine from the Marine Corps got training in the

OrCam at Hines and told me about it. I ed my VA and he got the ball rolling. And here I am. And what I have been through in the past six weeks, I think this place is a gold mine. I did not know half the things here even existed. I am really grateful that I was allowed to come, because my macular degeneration is not combat or service related. I feel really fortunate because the stuff, they give you is really expensive stuff. In two weeks, I am heading home. We have been married 59 years and this is the longest we have ever been apart. I am blessed in my marriage. Back in the 80s, I had a heart attack. We learned that ballroom dancing was a recommended activity, so we have done that, all over the country almost weekly ever since. If I had award to say to our veterans it would be: ‘Stick to this program whatever you do. Because they can give you all the help you need to become more independent.

2. Phil (double amputee, motorized wheelchair, USMC, age 67

Note: He is equipped with sonar to tell how close to him are things from all sides. “A few years ago, I was sick, and I coded, (no heart beat) and the ambulance ride was without oxygen to my braid, so I lost most of my memory. This is why I say my story is a boring story because I have only flashbacks in my memory. I walk like a penguin (laughter) I sleep in the Spinal cord unity because I must be on a ventilator. The VA has been very good to me. The only reason I am alive is because of God. I would not have survived over the years if I did not believe God had a purpose for me being here. After the year I went to seminary, I became a pastor an served Native American for 30 years, on two Indian reservations. I seemed to identify with the Indian people and they seemed to accept me and respect me for what I had been through. I put all my big theology books aside to reach those with 6th grade education and I still speak a lot on that level after thirty years. I find hope right now by living with gratitude and grace. I come to God saying “Thank you” I am still here for some purpose You have in mind.

Paul Army Age 73

“I enlisted right out of high school, in the Army in 1965 and spent two tours in Vietnam. During the second tour, I began to have trouble with my eyes, watering, numbing, blurring lot, a loss and vision problems. Which gradually got worse, soon seeing only shadows. While training at Hines VA a CCTV, reading, my vision went from poor to none, total loss. It was a really tough time. My wife had been sick, and within a few months, I lost my wife of 26 years. It was bad. I lost interest in further schooling. My son lived with me for a year before ing the military. Gradually I just started doing more. I grew up in church, my father was a deacon for 50 years, and my mother had her own church so I went to both. Yes, I gradual came back and my faith was important. One insurance agent I went to said my vision loss was due to Agent Orange, so I went to the VA with that paper and left to come back the next day and he had lost the paper. I am afraid to apply again for fear of losing my PTSD disability pay. I have never thought of the things I do to be ways of coping with blindness. Although some people might view them as coping and finding meaning, I refuse to allow my lack of vision to deter me from doing things that I need and/or have to do. Household chores, shopping for food and clothes, paying bills and doing other necessary things, I don't have a lot of time to dwell. I also spend time reading and answering emails and texts and talking on the phone. So, where many people might view these activities as coping and/or finding meaning; to me they are just a part of daily living or, life/I prefer to live alone, do my own shopping, When I go to the grocery, I go to the service desk for some help most of time as they know me. Now I am also beginning some regular exercise. To other veterans, I would say, talk to others, to those who might help in some way, Stay involved. Keep Moving.

Brian Army Age 22 “I was 18 years old, an Army tank mechanic, losing my visions, slowly and no one could tell me why. It got so bad they took me off my job and had me standing around, doing just cleaning stuff, janitorial jobs. After three years, I made it to Specialist. Coming here to Hines, what helps the most are the veterans here, so many worse off than me. Before Hines, I never knew anyone who was blind., Now seeing many older veterans with vision loss helps me find courage to deal with my stuff. Seeing people who are 60 or 70 who have no vision at all, worse than me, yet kidding around, happy and having fun and laughing. Here are many programs for helping blind veterans. These help me deal with my anger. My best friend back home who has never treated me differently, helps me with anything. Someone here told me maybe there was a purpose in my going blind while young might be so I can help others. One veteran here, lost both eyes in a single bullet. Because we were both young when it happened me 22, him 20, we connected. He helped me deal with my anger and frustration. To other veterans, I would say: ‘It’s hard. There is no way to lie about it. Losing eyesight is a big deal. But it is not the end. Technology can help us so much today. Even without it, a white cane can let us walk. It’s up to us to keep going. Not give up.’

Yaakov, blind veteran, age 75

“I was mostly agnostic until my mother ed away. Then I thought I should have something bigger in my life beyond science. I needed to believe in something bigger than science and nature, to believe in something bigger than myself. In my Jewish faith, Hassidism is something beyond the rational, hemistichal. It expresses the joy of religiosity. Hassidism expresses the thrill of being orthodox, giving meaning in being religious. Mysticism has its root in the Torah, making a full, ionate observance of the Torah. The world is being plundered by the selfishness of humans and our leaders.; we should study science but that is not enough to change hearts. I try to teach not to be selfish toward others just because we are different. Not accept the prejudice of our leaders. My Jewish faith teaches me how selfish the world is, helps me choose wisely and cope no matter what. I would tell my blunderer brothers they have to find meaning. Get involved in politics

Elizabeth (“Liz” Army, age 54

“I find hope by taking care of myself, following directions, taking medicine for my vision loss, glaucoma in my eyes. Also, in being active in my community, both for disabled persons and blind veterans. I have a leadership role on the Mayor’s Council of Disabled persons. We meet monthly for sharing. I also ed the National ‘federation of the Blind so I can participate in the civilian side of vision loss, those activities. Our BVA chapter meets monthly. and we are a closely-knit group. Sharing feelings and problems, I know which veteran I can confide in. We do things together, about 15-29 are active. We want our community to know that we are still active as a human being even though we are blind. I am kind of the instigator of community activities in both groups. So, we participate in things like the March of Dimes annual walk and other activities. We have some sighted friends who come out to walk with us for those who are totally blind. The veterans did not do much before, but if you want to be known, you have to be out there. I got our BVA chapter to come out and attend an indoor football game and such activities. I discovered the Golden Age Games, VA sponsorship, so eleven of us from Columbus, GA, when to Alaska last year. I won four gold medals. Next year the annual place is Madison, WI. I find meaning also in my family , son, daughter and a sister who travels with me to the National BVA Annual Convention. I would say to our blind veterans, get outside, away from the TV, get involved.

John (1), Army, amputee, age 70.

“I am a strong believer in God. I am loyal to my church. (Long pauses, thoughtfully) I know my first wife of 43 years was also. I am going to keep striving no matter what so I can meet her in heaven. I started going with her when she was 16. I was her first date. We got married when she was 18 and we were married for 43 years. I almost went crazy after she ed, then, diabetes almost ate me up. Finally, after two and a half years, I married another girl I had known all my life and we have been married five ears. That’s pretty much my life.\ When I left my class at church to come here, they gave me some money for veterans. I found out that soft towels were a welcome bonus, so, I supplied large and soft to the veterans, buying them at Target and Walmart. We do things like this at my church, responding to the special needs of those who are hurting. I am proud of my church community. If I had a word for other veterans, I would tell them “Hang in there and God bless everyone.

Dewayne (“Dewy”). Wheelchair, Diagnosis MS. Air Force. Age 5`1 “At end of boot camp, I came down with pneumonia, no, something worse with a very high fever. They put me on a bed of ice with a sheet over me...miserable..., had to drink lot of Kool Ade...I guess I was born with MS; it was in the family. It’s hard speaking with false teeth. I have upper and lower teeth, probably too much Mountain Dew soda. I am here at the VA Rehab Center for new information, new tools, anew reading device that will speak to me. I find hope and meaning by talking, going to class and prayer. I was raised Lutheran. Dad got into an argument with the minister wanting to get the house paid off. Dad and mother would drive around, picking up bottles from the road. Dad was a welder. When the minister would not help us, Dad was pissed that mom would still go to church. When I pray, I just talk to the Lord. No set time, just whenever. He answers me in strange ways, times and you don’t notice it until He does it. Then you notice. He did save me. I have often had dehydration, not enough water, ending up in hospital quite a few times. I found I needed to drink so much water every day. I had a new girlfriend who used to work for me and tell me to drink more water. She said she wanted to be my girl. She used to work for me, has an eleven-yearold child. She likes me and I got along good with her daughter. I have an aunt who was better to me than my blood mother. Overall, with all the bad things that have happened to me, I guess I find the most meaning in my conversations with the Lord.

Ron Army (20 years) Age 78

Í have 5% of my vision due to accidents. The VA gives me most everything I need to make life better for me. I am thankful have my time in and have all this available for me My family is great and we need that to survive blindness. Wife, son, grandson, nieces, nephews, all are ready to make sure I have nothing in my path whenever I move. Whenever I need to go somewhere, there are10 ready and willing to help with anything. My family is ready to respond. I cannot be grateful. I am blessed by a strong personal fate. My family has been very important in helping me live with my blindness. We get back much more from what we give. Ron was nominated by me to the Kentucky Veterans Hall of Fame Honor ‘roll in 2019 for Outstanding Military service and Outstanding Community Service, He has been outstanding in Lexington, KY., like the typical First Sergeant that he is, helping us organize.

J.R, guide dog (2nd), totally blind. Army, Vietnam. Single. Age 71

I find hope and meaning in the completion of what I do. Blind people do not wire houses. Blind people do not put on roots, remodel their house. I wasn’t supposed to be on that roof all by myself. I put a steel roof on it. I spent $3,500 for everything including the screws, and they wanted $25,000 for the job. Remodeled the house with the entire code. Wiring according to federal code—I am a structural engineer so I have a license to build a house from the ground up, the only help I had was from an eleven-year-old girl who came over. She told me which wires were white and which were black, I came here in 2010 and have been here 13-14 times. And I have been all over the country to promote Hines. 70% of vets do not know they can get help, starting w. VIST coordinator. I have put in request for the table saw they have upstairs. Spa far, I have been 100% on qualification tests. My house is just about done. I build bird houses, drop ceilings, ceiling fans in place, I do wallpaper, by the way. People ask how do you line up the lines? I don’t use that kind of paper. I don’t paint or clean windows. If someone says that window is dirty. I say here is the Windex and some paper towels, go at it. It doesn’t bother me. I cook and have lived by myself. Now I live with a friend who is my better self. My daughter lives about 15 minutes away. ADNIV eye condition is more than RP, which is a family thing, and my daughter will eventually go blind, which genetic researched has tracked back to our original country. I not only challenge myself continually, but I challenge the other veterans here, in the break room and at meals, here is the place to ask the questions. In the past, in college, I just got by. Then a counselor told me I could do much better and be a success. When I did, I started getting scholarships for my grades. I was very close to another veteran, Tommy, who couldn’t read or write. So, I read all his letters and write them for him. After he came back from Nam, he told me, “They killed me. They sent us into a rat hole and killed all of us. (J. R. became very emotional, deeply moved, shaking) Tommy died in three months of ‘agent Orange. We were in a mechanical group and I have lost them all (more deep feeling). Some came back and didn’t make it because of Agent Orange.

Tommy was my favorite. WE went through all basic training together. In Vietnam, the Army did not care whether you lived or died. They were looking for bodies to stick in a hold. Hines is the best place in the world for a veteran going blind, so many options here, I have gone blind and recovered three times. My computer is my network, I’ve been married three times and screwed up every time. Everything good came from God

11. Larry (2) USMC age 79 m? years KC Mo “I have a great family who s me in every way, friends who stop by and take me to lunch occasionally and we talk about loss. We all have losses at our age and we have to deal with it. Mine happens to be loss of vision, and this tends to be the worst kind because it clips my wings so I can no longer drive. You can’t go anywhere you want to go. So, I am dependent upon transportation from neighbors, my wife, my son in law, but they all have lives of their own. So, I have to be understanding. As well as appreciative of their . Of course, Christ has a lot to do with it also, because I am one of those people who say “you can do nothing without Christ. And when you think about it, (chuckle) you really can’t. So, instead of applauding yourself, you should thank the Lord. So that’s how I deal with life: a tremendous system and faith in Christ. If you have to have loss of vision, I have one of the best, macular degeneration., so I have a partial loss of vision, instead of complete loss of vision. A strong personal faith is the major part of my journey. I pray often, my wife and I have morning devotions, and we both are part of a church ministry. I would like to tell my fellow veteran to understand why they were created, and the reason they are on this earth. The Father wants everyone to live and enjoy eternal life. Further, social ties are very important. Don’t become a social recluse, stay connected with family and friends.

12 Joe Army Age 61 “I had a very hard time accepting my blindness. It seemed as if people regarded it as some sort of leprosy. My vision loss was partly service connected. My second wife did not try to understand. When I married my third wife in ‘98, she brought me into the church. I sat there one day, deciding it was not anybody’s fault, not mine either. I decided to give up the denial, the anger and then nothing matters as long as I was serving Him. Around 2003 someone from the BVA ed me. I started as a volunteer, service officer, processing claims, then slowly moved up the ranks into more positions of responsibility, such as the regional group, then the Board, until Now I am national Vice-President. Now I try to look at the good in everyone. I know we have a lot of blind veterans who are struggling. I share my experience so they do not make the same mistakes. We have four BVA chapters here in Georgia who meet regularly, some monthly, come quarterly. If I had a word to share is would be that information leads to knowledge, knowledge leads to power, and power rightly used results in good experience. We live in an information age, so information is everywhere to be found. The BVA helped me turn my life around by offering many experiences.

13. Chuck, USMC totally blind, double amputee, Age 40 “My hope comes from the understanding that no matter how bad things get, it is only temporary. At the resurrection of the dead, when Jesus comes, he’s going to make all things new, new heaven, new earth, receive our resurrected bodies, and until then, just hammer things out, enduring the challenges and helping others along the way. Some are not able to cope, helping them. I have a couple of more challenges than others. Seeing how others cope helps me out. I went to parochial school, first grade, then parents got divorced in my third grade. After that I went to church only for weddings and funerals. Then when I lost my sight due to brain cancer, I investigated Christianity, to see whether there was any truth in it, if there was reason to believe in what happened. I did this on my own, through a couple of local radio stations. I was fascinated to discover there was sufficient evidence to believe. I realized that Christianity was true. If it is true then it a matter of waiting. People will stand in line just waiting for a movie. So, in Christianity. it doesn’t matter how many years, because in the end we get eternal life, with the resurrected bodies back. It’s just a matter of enduring things until that happens. Now I can scan books and read them, go to school, so technology gives me access to much more than I had before. Because of technology I tell my professors I have an advantage over others. I don’t have eye strain any more. I don’t get sleepy when it gets dark, so I can read far more than I did when I was in college. I can get so much more done now, learn more, produce more. Now I know I can give something back. I did the Wounded Warrior games for about ten years. I stopped to give that slot to another person and now I am working on my degree from the Bible Institute of Los Angelo’s, BIOLA.

14 Bob AF age 72, blind veteran “I live with a strong personal faith in my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ and his mother Mary. I believe she was graced with a mother’s ability to ask favors from her son. I say the Rosary three times each day, with mysteries of Suffering, Joyful and Glorious. When bad stuff hits me, I say Jesus, I love my cross. I am blessed with a wife who encourages my faith reminding me if I get upset to accept my cross. My wife suffers with fibromyalgia and sometimes says, ‘You don’t understand what this is like,’ and I remind her of our mutual faith just like she reminds me. When the end comes, I am surrendering my life to the mercy of God. In the end, God wins.

Mick. All 5 branches, age 80

In my case, we were very poor in a rural community and my father was an entertainer who kept pushing me in that direction. So, I found myself there whether I wanted to do it or not. Actually, I had wanted to become an attorney. Then, I played the guitar and had a couple of hit records, became an entertainer, later opening for all the big ones: Buck Owens, Merle Haggard, Johnny Paycheck, and so on. I was never a star but when the audience ran out of tomatoes, I would bring the star on (laughter). It was enjoyable. But slowly, with the glaucoma and everything, I lost my sight and so I lost a lot of bookings. So here I am at the blind center which is considered to be one of the best in the country and I have appreciated all the friendships I have made here. I found out all the instructors here have master’s degrees and are competent and caring. They take to heart their skills in helping others. I find people very interesting. My personal faith is strong. When you see as much as we have seen, if you can’t believe in God, you must be considered an atheist. I truly believe that faith can bring us though almost anything. The main thing is how your treat others. How you care, how you love. My faith is helping one another. My advice to other blind veterans is to get care as soon as you have a problem, right away. ‘Keep on keeping on-which is my motto.

Marlene Navy Age 59

“I served in the Navy from 1978-82. My visions are service related but not due to combat. I was assaulted by another serviceman. Then I had 17 years of isolation, suicidal depression before I found help. When I left service, there was no place for woman veterans to go. I had difficulty getting help from the VA or the local Vet center. So, I had to go to the local Eye Center for my vision help and the Catholic Charities Counseling Office for my mental help. That, finally, was my turning point. They set me on my path to become more independent. I went back to school, got my undergraduate degree from a bible college and my Masters in Social \work from the University of Wisconsin. Then I was told no-one would hire me, so, mainly, I have used my social work degree in advocacy through the BVA. Where I have been active in ing and advocating for blind veterans. Actually, I had the opportunity to go before the Senate, talking for three days to individual senators, lobbying for funds for trauma blindness. They gave us, March of 2019, $20 million. BVA has a research program at the University of Texas to develop lenses to protect pilot’s eyes from hostile Laser. We also advocated against budget cuts as ophthalmologists’ positions in combat zones, were being cut. In both Iraq and Afghanistan, we had only one contracted Ophthalmologist. Also, I am undergoing accreditation to become a Volunteer Services officer for the VA and veterans., to assist blind veterans in claims. I represent the BVA in these services to veterans. My big thing is advocacy, getting the blind veteran out of isolation and moving. I do outdoor exercises with other veterans. Last week we were skiing in Colorado. I coordinate a kayak team here and my husband handles the equipment. My husband is my biggest . We are married 17 years and have two grown children. If I have a word of advice for blind veterans. It is: keep Moving because there is so much isolation and sedentary habits. I walk daily, and come up with new activities for blind veterans, currently working with police for blind vets to use

firearms at the police firing range. I am the Vice President of our local BVA group. Where we are busy promoting many activities for blind veterans. Note: In the next chapter find some 16 more awesome descriptions.

Chapter Two More Blind Veterans Coping with Loss “I used to walk in the shade With those blues on parade But I'm not afraid This Rover crossed over.” —Sunny Side of the Street, Jimmy McHugh When a veteran returns home, he does not return from a job or a career, but from a way of life, an intensely felt bond of brotherhood. It is a tribal sense of loyalty which can never be matched in civilian life. When we know we will lay down our lives in an instant to protect the person next to us anytime, anywhere. , that bonding experience remains forever, ed indelibly in our hearts. Each of these stories is but a piece in the vast mystery of our brotherhood which has cost so many lives. I am humbled and honored to be the teller of these stories.

Thomas Army Age 67

I enlisted in1973-75, became a medic in Nam. Eye disease RP developed in Nam. When sent on night patrols, I couldn’t see but that complaint made no difference to command. If you were breathing and walking, they had you. After service I went to study in Philadelphia and became a physician’s surgical assistant. I worked in surgery for over 20 years, but my RP progressed and I had to quit. I was sitting in a VA counselor’s office. very depressed and isolated. Then He asked me something no one had ever asked. ‘Think back when you were young. If you had not ed the military and had not ed the medical field, what was your heart’s desire.’ I said I have an interest in history and politics, but I am not

sure what I would have done with that. He said, then why don’t you go back to school, study, get a Master’s degree and perhaps teach. So, I went to the computer to explore what colleges in Houston where I might earn a degree in a combination of history and political science. I found a perfect match at St Thomas University nearby. But being a veteran with a blind diagnosis, I was afraid of this undertaking. I needed to go up to the campus and find what they were willing to do with a 45year-old blind student went to a guidance counselor there, Sometimes, you are just lucky to find the right person at thermite time. The counselor turned out to be an older lady who had been a teacher and she said, ‘Of course you can do that here!’ Hope came back I am still lucky in life. So, I filled out the application and got started. That was 2001 and I graduated with my Master’s in 2003, in two years. Then some professor told me that teaching in a junior college with a master’s degree would not bring much income. So, I found and enrolled in doctoral program. I went full time; my professors were impressed with me and I got good grades. Then I just happened to go by the BVA office in Alexandria and talking to Tom Milner, Exec. Dir at the time, He asked me what I was doing. I told him I intended to finish my doctoral degree and then look somewhere for a teaching job. Tom said to me, ‘Let’s see here, Tom, you are a Vietnam veteran, with a service-connected disability half way through your doctorate, so you’re hired here. He explained they just had a new job opening, “Director of Government Relations, this was in 2005. So, I stayed there for the next nine years till 2013, bringing veterans issues to congress for consideration and new legislation, 32 times. We represented all US Military veterans’ organizations as well as blind veteran’s and got much legislation changed and implemented. For example, the Blind rehab centers charged fees and travel for non-service blindness. We got that changed, so now all fees and travel are paid for non-service blindness care. After that, my wife and I moved back to Houston to be with family. Soon an opening on the National BVA Board of Directors so I accepted and served as regional director for about five years. In 2018 I was elected to National Vice President and then Last August I was elected President of BVA. So, life throws a lot of curve balls at you but if you are open and go and talk with people, good things can happen.

2. Bill USNC Age 65 “This past November 28, I woke up after a stroke and found I had no vision. I thought my life was over. I went to doctor appointments, but basically sat in the chair feeling sorry for myself. They foot me in the VA low vision clinic. I had given up. I have loved to garden, but was ready to give that up, sell my fishing gear, carpentry tools, all. Until April, when I came on a field trip to Hines Blind Rehab Center. I think I told Chuck I was ready to sell or give away my tools, fishing gear and other stuff. He took us through the facility and the woodworking shop. Assist Chief Chuck told me, do not sell any of your stuff until you come and take our program. Then sell it if you still want. I ed a saying of my grandfather, ‘I cried when I had no shoes until I met someone who had no feet.’ I ed when I had a compound fracture of my right arm and it was paralyzed., when I was nine, and I came back and gave eight years to the Marines. I came back from that. I decided to go to Hines and asked to be put on the expedited list. I have been here two weeks and plan to stay six more. I had sat around and complained that I had low vision when I am now around those who have no vision, totally blind. What a contrast for me! Now, I have decided I can do anything I put my mind to. There’s biblical verse that speaks to this: ‘I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me.’ I was a youth minister in my church when I was young and an assistant to the chaplain before I got out of the Marines. In the center of all types of Christian faith is /Christ, I pray, I fast and read the bible every night and now have the bible on readable books to strengthen my faith. If I had a word to other veteran, I would say, keep the faith in Christ but also keep it in yourself. Don’t let hope die.

3. Mick. All 5 branches, age 80 In my case, we were very poor in a rural community and my father was an entertainer who kept pushing me in that direction. So, I found myself there whether I wanted to do it or not. Actually, I had wanted to become an attorney. Then, I played the guitar and had a couple of hit records, became an entertainer, later opening for all the big ones: Buck Owens, Merle Haggard, Johnny Paycheck, and so one. I was never a star but when the audience ran out of tomatoes, I would bring the star on (laughter). It was enjoyable. But slowly, with the glaucoma and everything, I lost my sight and so I lost a lot of bookings. So here I am at the blind center which is considered to be one of the best in the country and I have appreciated all the friendships I have made here. I found out all the instructors here have master’s degrees and are competent and caring. They take to heart their skills in helping others. I find people very interesting. My personal faith is strong. When you see as much as we have seen, if you can’t believe in ‘God, you much be considered an atheist. I truly believe that faith can bring us though almost anything. The main thing is how your treat others. How you care, how you love. My faith is helping one another. My advice to other blind veterans is to get care as soon as you have a problem, right away. ‘Keep on keeping on-which is my motto.

4. Loretta blind veteran, Army, age 66 “I was raised in the church and so hope is what I live on. Being on dialysis, three times each week now for seven years, is a tough road to go down. I turned down a transplant because I am 66 and in dialysis you are in what they call “the end state.” A younger person could use it more profitably. I had triple by and have many medical problems, including high blood pressure. Now, at the end state, I believe God has put me here to live my life to the fullest. I live in in Assisted Living place with my own room. My job is to teach the older people, older than me, how to live with hope. I encourage them to go to activities, to live with a smile I am president of the counsel, twice elected now in my second year People ask where I get the energy as I am an encourager. I teach life is to be enjoyed, no matter what. I like to smile and have others smile. It’s wonderful for me to get a smile from others. Although I was adopted, I learned that from my mom and dad. I have always lived by the motto, “Make others smile! “Do what you can to help anyone is the way I have lived. I believe in the bible and I believe that is what God wants me to do. In the Army, I had a friend who was the first woman to drive tanks. I said if she could do that, I can learn to fly a helicopter and I did. Being blind is just a stair step that I have to overcome. I believe everyone has a plan from God. The guys at my table have made me feel so welcome and special. In my assisted living place, I had already started a welcoming committee. If I had a word to say to other blind veterans, I would say from my heart, “Don’t give up!”

5. John (3) USMC age 76 I am a 76-year-old former marine who had non-service-connected blindness in 1967. After losing my sight as a Milwaukee police officer, I attended a private rehab center, St. Paul's Rehab Center for the Blind in Newton Corner, Mass, near Boston. There I met a blind psychiatrist who became a father figure to me and coached me to return to college. Now I had always hated school, went only for the sports, ing the Marines for four years just after high school graduation. My mom was single mom, waiting tables, I the first of five children and we grew up poor. I had never considered college, but my new mentor suggested that with my police background, I could make a good lawyer. I must mention that the four-month training at St. Paul’s under the Jesuit priest John Carroll, was innovative and challenging. Father Carroll believed that becoming blind was a mental catastrophe which would affect us psychically, so we had group therapy daily and individual sessions with a psychiatrist once or twice weekly. In 1968, there were few audible books and little Braille, so when I enrolled at Marquette University, I lucked on 3 for 3 academic arrangements. If you got your major and minor done with good grades in three years, your next year could be your first in law school, for two more after that. There was little money than for retired injured police officers, but the people of Milwaukee welcomed me warmly. I found that getting my textbooks made audible was possible through some help at the public library where they made tapes of everything for me. Sometimes I got friends to read and sometimes I paid for a reader. I was usually two weeks behind everyone but I kept up, at end I had one C, with the rest As and Bs. When I applied to their Law School, I was refused because a previous blind student had to drop out. A TV person at a local studio had told me if I ever needed anything to call him, so I did and explained the situation. So, he took a camera crew and we went to issions office. It was a tense confrontation, all recorded for later public viewing. Finally, after some consultation, they conceded. That summer held two courses in Evidence, taught by law professor who was

also a former judge. ‘You will take those.” When I made an \A in both courses, they itted me to the law school. I obtained my JD degree in 1974. I practiced law for more than 40 years as a private practitioner until 2015. When I graduated, I chose to work with a prominent local lawyer for a while, then opening my own office. This grew until I had the lawyers, several clerks a secretary working for me. I travelled widely as a trial lawyer. I got involved with the BVA when one local BVA member asked me to help with a conflict with BVA management. BVA refused my complaint, saying I was not a member and not licensed in Arizona where we were living. So, I ed BVA and they took my complaint. Once I knew what BVA was, I ended up rewriting their by-laws, which were a mess written by blind guys. Now I am regional president of the Western BVA group.

6. Paul. (2) Army age 78.\ “I would never argue that becoming blind and getting Hines’s training would change my life so much. My vision loss was not service connected, yet here is the VA taking care of all us older, aging veteran no matter what our disability is. I feel humbly grateful for the Hines training and the courage so many of my fellow blind veterans have demonstrated. We find humor, laugh, carry on and more determined to do for ourselves. I would never have guessed such changes in my now welcoming my limitations and disabilities and setbacks. With a strong faith, I now feel I find grace around every corner. I live an amazing life.

7. Mike USMC Age 62 “I find meaning, my inspiration, in my family. If not for my family, I feel no use for being here. I want to see my grandkids grow. Life is too short to sit back and wait to die, saying, ‘I could, should of, would of’ I find hope in my life given everything that’s happened to me. I love the woods, the outdoors life. I will try anything once which invite the blind to participate and compete. Hunting, target shooting, snow-skiing, kayaking, biking, white water river rafting, etc. I love the outdoors. The outdoors is my perfect place to be, just leaning against the tree with spring blossoming everywhere. There is nothing to compare with it. So many guys our age are sitting around and mope, just pacing on pity porch. It is almost as if they give up, waiting for the big sleep. I have no idea what’s holding these people back now. We were always out and about; we were never indoors. We had so much fun playing outside on the street until street lights came on when everything got dark. We were just playing baseball or see how far you could jump on the skate board across the channel. We were always pushing ourselves, enjoying being outdoors. became blind in the service. “Becoming blind is the best thing that ever happened to me. Before, I was a jerk, always reacting, judging, competitive, never listening. Now I am thinking more deeply about everything, more caring and listening to my family. Your questions made me start really thinking more deeply rather than just instant reaction to any given situation. This is just the way I grew up, often just reacting and reacting. it’s amazing now I have changed and that was 27 years ago. I that day because that’s the time I discovered that becoming blind was not only accepted but embraced as a good thing, which helped me become more thoughtful, more tuned in to others, and more comionate, more easily finding empathy with others.

8. Larry Army, Age 83 “Number one Is my wife. We have been married 63 years. She is the best er I Have. She keeps encouraging me even though I have lost driving privileges. She takes me wherever I want to go. I have a group of friends I meet with Monday through Friday, and another in the afternoon.at a local grocery store. Usually on Tuesday and Thursday I go to the gym and spend about an hour there.in a program they call “Balance. “ My arthritis is such that I wake up stiff and sore, then spend time in hot shower to loosen my back. We measure our walking, shooting for 8,000-10,000 steps every day. I have already hit 8k for today. My friends have all encouraged me tremendously, and will take me home if my wife cannot. I have great friends. Another veteran who has inspired me tremendously is my Vietnam friend, Lance, 10 years younger, with a heart pump. My wife and his are almost like sisters, People cannot tell them apart. He and I are going on the Honor Flight together. We go to Church on Sunday and have a great minister. I feel very blessed and thank God every day.

9. Norm Army Age 70 “I Just do! (chuckle) I just keep putting one foot in front of the other. One of my sons lives a few miles away and helps me some. But he has his life and so I do not want to depend on him. I try not to use him any more than I have to. I live by myself, cook all my own meals. There is a home health lady who comes once each week to clean up. My sister and two brothers have ed. No close friends. I have three hours’ drive one way to nearest VA. For exercise I just walk around that little town I live in, some 300 people. How do I keep going? I guess “will power.” Don’t’ read much. Only graduated from 8th grade and don’t have much up here (pointing to his forehead). I just get up every day and keep going.

10 Dale Army, Age 71 “My vision loss, from a land mine, in Vietnam was total so I ended in Walter reed for more surgery. When the social worker talked to be about the New Palo Alto Blind Rehab Center, that is where I luckily went. Four months after losing my vision, I was at the blind rehab center. When key staff were blinded vets— the psychologist and director—this really helped me, great role models. I saw blind staff being competent, confident and productive, great model for me. I wish we had more blind people in key positions for more role models for our blind veterans. I had a very early experience that God might be calling me. We were church going family. Once when I was eleven years old< I had an illumination that God wanted me to do what that minister in the pulpit was doing. So, after I finished with the rehab center training, I said it was time for me to consider God’s call. I went to Bible School to earn a Bachelor’s degree in psychology, wanting to be enabling a personal faith, I have taught the practices of Christian life in groups of 10-20 in many churches, doing this pastoral work and also preaching. I have now taken my ministry overseas to the Philippines for some 25 years. I will minister in several churches in the Philippines, I do this to serve as pastor but many other ministries.] Early on, my first wife and I had a travelling ministry. Then we settled into pastoring and counseling, training pastors in how to minister more effectively. discipling people, in the Christian life, what to do and how to do it. I was also invited to Jamaica for street preaching. I am a morning person, rise early about 4 or 5 and that’s my time to spend ingrate with the Lord, filled and focused on God. I’ve had setbacks where people ed me by because of my blindness. I’ve said ‘That’s their loss, that’s not off me.” I look at life from the perspective of the Serenity prayer. God give me the courage to change what I can, My parents had very little but they faced it, then dealt with it. What advice would I offer to other blind veterans? Find a company or camaraderie of bellow veterans to understand and

First thing: You got to keep active, get off the couch. Most of all, keep your sense of humor. If you are visually impaired, and don’t have a sense of humor, you are in a bad place. To younger veterans, you got it made. There is amazing technology that we did it have, which can help you is so many ways. I had a call from the BVA national office, ‘Dale, I want you to prayer over something.’ Now I do not like it when anyone starts that way because they are about to ask me to do something I may not want to do. But he said, Will you serve. I did pray over it and served 12 years on the BVA Board of Directors. I always try to do the best I can in whatever I do. I served as national president last term.

11. Jerry Navy Age 81 “I do not know how to answer that question. I ed the Navy in July 1956 and left active duty in June 1960. When I lost total vision in a car accident in 1964. I went through much soul searching, I decided to get up and go. no matter what, that I had a handicap but would not let it become a disability. I have done a lot of things, but nothing I knew would hurt me. Seven years later, I learned to water ski. I work on cars and climbed towers to put up TV antennas, for 34 years. I have been a Toastmaster for almost 50 years.\I travelled over 50 states many alone. Tom Hailey invited me into a storytelling contest in Toastmasters. There were 13, with six professional storytellers, and I finished fourth. So, I ed Kentucky Storytelling about six years ago, and was on KSA board of Directors, Now I am co-hosting the monthly meetings of the Wandering Storytellers in Lexington for three years. The program is filled for one year in advance. Now I have a storytelling mission, visiting nursing homes and retirement will go several times each month. I came to Lexington in 1972, after leaving Louisville to get away from family interference, where I went o University of Kentucky where I have two degrees and live alone. I started a BVA chapter in Louisville in 1966 but it ended soon. My personal faith came in Louisville when I was standing at 7th and Broadway (wide highway, six lanes) in pouring rain and needed to cross the road to catch a bus to the VA. I could not hear the traffic because of the downpour so after getting soaked, I decide to cross, putting myself in God’s hands. Either I would meet him immediately or get to the other side. I got to the other side. Ever since, I have had a strong personal faith. My faith in God and my determination to live a full life has rewarded me with a full life. If it is be and whether it is to be is based upon my decisions. Note. I nominated Jerry in 2019 to be enrolled in the Kentucky Veterans Hall of Fame Honor Roll for “Outstand Military Service and Outstanding Community Service.’

12. Bonita Army Desert Storm, Age 49 “I served in the Army Reserve and we were called up in 1990-91. My vision loss started in 1998. I was working but slowly realized I could not see as well as I used to. I lost three jobs; my self-esteem was going down. I was still driving, living in Atlanta. At night time, I would see 4 lights instead of two. Sometimes they would blow at me. I realized I was going blind. My girlfriend would see me on the road. She would say,” Was that you hugging that center line like that?’ But nobody would say anything. My boyfriend is blind too, but can barely see. Once he told me how bad I was driving, and that helped too. In 2015, I stopped driving altogether, when I realized finally, I could no longer drive safely. My vision world was slowly disappearing. I had to leave Atlanta and move back to where I grew up. I had to move to be with my sister with my young son, and being a single parent. It was horrible, miserable! I to move all my stuff into her house. We are all cramped up in her little house. I had to go the VA¸ where I would cry all the time, to get some meds. I finally got 70% disability. But I was 46 and could not work, so I got all my papers together, sent them to President Obama. They gave me 100% disability. I have not yet gone to the VA blind rehab center but plan to go this year. How did I change? During this time, I had a hard time, being discouraged and living cramped in my sister’s house. Finally, I just said to myself, ‘Lord, I am going to accept it.’ What made the difference for me is my system, living down here away from Atlanta, where I grew up. When I finally decide I had to give up driving, I told my mom, and she said, ‘Thank you, Jesus! We in the whole family have been praying for you.’ It is my system living here where Ire up, all sort of family helps. I have a niece, nephew and son, all children who I live with. They try to do little sneaky things behind my back. They don’t know I have that “mother; instinct,” (plus a little vision) so when I catch them, then they say, ‘You weren’t supposed to see that! ‘I say, ‘Don’t do that anymore!’ And we all start laughing at my ‘mother’s instinct.’. (laughter) We all laugh a lot.

I am not around blind people at home, so when I go to BVA or VIST pogroms, I feel blessed in my vision. Great to be around other veterans. I attend the state BVA and BVA national conventions. This year is our 75th anniversary in DC in August. I love being around my blind veteran brothers and sisters. Here is my word to other blind veterans. Don’t get depressed because there are a lot of things you can do, lots of activities. Get out of the house, keep moving,

13 John (4) Army, Age 76 My very first question upon the onset of total blindness was two-fold: How can I take care of myself and how can I help others? The challenge remains to continue and believing the only way I knew for the first 20 years of my life, This was a way of thought and belief that, for the most part, no longer applied as a totally blind person. Namely, examining oneself accurately as best possible to utilize strengths and weaknesses as well as new tools. This means developing new skills to overcome barriers to success as a blind person. I keep re-defining success for myself and practice gratitude. Still, Jesus is my one-word answer to your questions. My wife, Pamela, answered the challenges, saying, meet the question with these few words, i.e., “on every hand and by God’s grace.” I am blessed that my wife, although totally blind like me, remains as loving and gracious as I strive to be, and does everything with me, attending veteran gatherings. I have also been blessed by our activities as a local BVA chapter where I have been privileged to serve as President. I found hope and meaning in these gatherings.

14. Paul (1) Navy age 79 Author’s Note: My recorder did not work, so he offered to send this brief bio. It is longer than the others, but such a remarkable story that it deserves to be told in its entirety. He has been recognized twice for outstanding service to the BVA. I enlisted in the US Navy in 1966. While serving aboard the USS Luzerne County LST 902, in the Mekong Delta, I sustained an injury that left me blind in the left eye. I received a medical discharge in January 1969. Turning from “Why me?” to “Why not me?’ I have my physical health, my intelligence, my family and my motivation. am blessed with a strong faith, still active in my church, teaching classes, being the greeter at the door. I find meaning in many ways, have been active with BVA on local regional and national level groups for some 34years., serving on Board of Directors, now President of our regional group Heartland, (4 states: KS, MO, IA Ks). I have also been active in my state Council of the Blind, and have started several local groups. I went back to college, eventual learning a Master’s degree in Social Work. I worked at the VA for many years, teaching computer skills. In November 1984, I left the workforce due to increasing blindness, received blind rehab training locally in Kansas City and at the Hines VA blind center. While at Hines in 1986 I ed the BVA as a life member. I return to college in January 1986. After completing work on my bachelor’s degree in Sociology at the University of Missouri-Kansas City in 1989, I received my Master’s degree in Social Work from the University of Kansas in 1991. In 1992 I was the leader in the establishment of the Real-Eyes computer group in Kansas City for persons with visual limitations who wanted to learn adapted tools. That group still exists as an e-mail group offering assistance to persons blind or visually-impaired in addressing computer-related issues across the country. I began working for the VA at the Kansas City Vet Center in Kansas City in June of 1992, where I worked as a counselor until February 2000. At that point, I accepted a position at the West Palm Beach VA medical center, in the new blind

rehab center there, as a computer skills Instructor. I actually established the Computer Access Training Service (CATS) program, offering computer skills training for blind veterans, at West Palm, which was the first VA Blind Rehab Center to offer Internet and e-mail as part of the core CATS curriculum. In November 2004, I assume the position of the Visual Impairment Services Team (VIST) Coordinator at the West Palm Beach VA. My duties were management of a caseload of nearly 700 bind veterans on the roster at West Palm VA. I function in that position, coordinating services and referral for blind rehab on behalf of the caseload, until I retired in 2009. During the years I worked in Florida, I also served as a district director for several years, vice president, and President of the Florida Regional Group of the blinded veterans Association. Among other activities, I was also involved in serving on the board of directors of Guide Dog s Incorporated (GDUI) an of the American Council of the Blind, from 1996 to 1999, and was serving on that board when that board won its lawsuit against the state of Hawaii, which ultimately allowed guide dogs access to the state of Hawaii. I also established Heartland Guide Dog s, an of GDUI in Kansas City. I have served on the Mayor’s Council for Persons with Disabilities, and the Governor’s Advisory Council for Rehabilitation Services for the Blind. Upon retirement, I returned to Kansas City, Missouri, where I once again became involved in the work of the Missouri Regional Group of the Blinded Veterans Association, of which I was a charter member. I served as secretary-treasurer in 2010, and completed necessary paperwork to establish the Regional Group as a 501C3. Since 2011, the highlight of my work in the Missouri Regional Group was the winning of the Golden Gavel, signifying the gain of the newest in the past year, at the BVA national convention in 2012, while serving as President of the Regional Group. Almost as much of a highlight is taking part of the lead in establishing the merger of Kansas and Missouri regional groups of the BVA into the Heartland Regional Group, which received its charter at the 2014 BVA convention. it goes without saying that the pinnacle of my involvement with the Blinded Veterans Association is the presentation to me of the Major general Melvin J. Maas Achievement award during the 2014 BVA annual convention August 21.

I have also been active in the Missouri Council of the Blind and 2 local s of the Missouri Council. Besides being active in the leadership team of my church, I also serve as service officer in American Legion Post 626, and volunteer at the Kansas City VAMC. While still serving on the BVA board, I have been active in founding a new interest group for BVA involving , advocacy, education, and information for blind veteran guide and service dog handlers, which met for the first time at the 2015 BVA national convention.

15. Kevin USMC Age 60 “I wanted time to think about your question “Where do you find hope and meaning?” Here is my answer (several weeks later). Thanks for giving me the chance to think about this as I wanted to spend some time thinking of this. It all relates to my life’s experience as well as the betterment for all of us “Hope is learning how blessed we are to live in the United States of America. Hope is a young child asking you how something works. Hope is ing on what you have learned to the younger generation and they listen. Hope is learning how to adapt and learning something new and asking for help when needed. Hope is two angels disguised as young boys saying, “Hey Mister, you are walking in the street”. Hope is being at a grocery store and someone see’s your military hat and says, ‘Thank you for your service.’ Hope is listening to the news report how total strangers aided another stranger. Hope is seeing the good in all mankind. Hope leads to faith and believing GOD is always there for us.

16. Cheryl Army Age 60 I ed the Army in 1976. We were the first females to integrate the Army, so we had to be extra tough. I was part of the experiment of females being with soldiers. We did everything the males did, PT was a five-course event. We did so well, they decided to put us together in the regular Army, I stayed 18 years, while raising four children. As I moved up the ranks, after a while, they said, ‘You are ready to be either a drill sergeant or a recruiter. So, I could not see myself coming into the military to lie to people coming into the military, so I chose to be a ‘Kick Ass” Drill Sergeant. Being a drill sergeant, I was small, size 5, My waist size was same size as my head. When I went to Drill Sgt School, I took my family and moved to Ft. Dix. My husband did not have a job as he had to get out of the military because he had a motorcycle accident. My husband became depressed but that is in hindsight as I did not know what that was. One early morning, just as I left, he shot himself. I was 27 and I freaked out and could not get up for weeks. Finally, my kids pulled me out of my shock. For two weeks I was in a horizontal stupor with my kids sitting on me, saying, “Mommy, come back, we need you!” I finally came back and credited them for bringing me back. I loved the military and eventually came around. When I was given a mixed battalion flunking everything, they gave it to me to be drill sergeants, I got my “Kick-Ass” attitude back? I kicked ass, both genders, and they came around totally in 90 days. I had been a clerk typist but was given training as a computer programmer. I became a computer programmer, after leaving the army, and worked at home as most of my clients were abroad. When my husband committed suicide, I was diagnosed with sarcoidosis, a rare immune disease which affects lungs, eyes, legs and other organs.

After my husband died, I could still drive. But in 1999, my son who had come into the military and was airborne like his father, committed suicide. He was on a live Firing range and took an M-16 and pointed to his head. And in the suicide note he said he wanted to get closer to his father. That took the rest of my sight. Meaning now I am not able to drive. I am fortunate now that I have a business in which I care for blind veterans. I am involved in statewide BVA activities. I am blessed with eight grandchildren. SUMMARY. A summary of the ten themes founding these 32 stores is found in the Chapter, 19, “Your Resilience Tool Kit.”

Chapter Three Blind Veterans Not Coping Somedays, we forget to look around us Somedays, we can't see the joy that surrounds us So caught up inside ourselves We take when we should give —Thankful, Josh Groban Lacking fewer visual cues, we who are blind are challenged to live more inwardly, more in direct with our inner flow of ideas, feelings, hunches, and assumptions. We are more keenly aware of the constant self-talk and incessant chatter between our ears. The more we lack outward visual cues, the more easily we are obsessed with our inner processing, more captured by the restless energy of our imagination. We must live more intuitively, with more inevitable guessing about meanings of words and behavior. For example, the tone of voice of the person speaking to us becomes paramount to our understanding each word of every possible meaning of each message. Without visual cues, we must infer and interpret far more than sighted persons do. Interpersonal communication is more challenging. For example, we grow up with siblings in the same house but not the same family. Birth order shapes our perception. We see differently whatever happened. First born children see the world "through the eyes of Columbus," as a world to be explored and discovered. Most all of the astronauts were first born. Our perception is shaped and colored by our total life experiences. My own blindness is central vision loss so I can no longer drive. I am blessed with good peripheral vision. Over time, I observed diverse examples of blind veterans reacting with anger toward other blind veterans or their environment. I could observe that what they were reacting to was imaginary, their hoarding of a ready reserve of anger. The following examples of blind veterans coping were gathered over several months of training.

Joe (not his real name) was a blind veteran who sat beside me at our dining table in a residential rehab center. Knowing I had been a Catholic chaplain, with his own Catholic faith, he confided with me that at home his wife was "constantly angry with him." Yet, in our table conversation, he carried a huge chip on his shoulder, with ready anger towards the perceived behaviors of others. Apparently, he had no concept of how he might be unknowingly shaping his wife's behavior. When someone is angry with us and we see it as unfair, we react with anger. Sam (not his real name) a blind veteran who sat next to me at one dining table never spoke to any of us, never engaged in any table conversation. He came, ate and left without speaking. I sought him out between meals later. After some conversation, he shared that his drunk driving before he lost his vision had killed a child. I was stunned with this revelation and did not know what to say. His constant somber behavior indicated depression but I had no permission to talk with him about it. Later I wondered if some education in the stages of grieving in coping with loss might have been helpful to him. Can we imagine what other losses our blind veterans might be facing in their quiet mutual solitudes, barely coping or not coping, in silent pain? But pain will manifest itself too often in anger. Ted (not his real name) was a blind veteran with a guide dog who became so angry at the veteran across the table from him that he stood up and declared, "Let's go outside and duke it out!" He was so serious that none of us laughed at the absurdity of a blind person picking a fight with another blind person while needing to park the guide dog somewhere George (not his real name), when lifting the lid on his food tray, declared loudly at every meal, "Another piece of shit!" with additional loud swearing, He thought he had the right to do so, and was oblivious to the tone he set for each meal at our table. In the weeks I was at this table, there was never a meal he was satisfied with. Because he got up and left early most meals, he must have had another source of food. Phil (not his real name) got so mad over a week at all the veterans at his table that he picked up his food tray and went to another table where he stayed. John (not his real name) went into such a loud emotional rant during the

chaplain's prayers after the morning Pledge, all the while proclaiming how much he needed this place, that he was sent packing before lunch. Later, I wondered if there might be anger management protocols in place for such behavior. Mike (not his real name) seemed quite congenial but on occasion he could erupt with a very harsh judgment about behavior of another blind veteran. He was downright mean. The contrast between his usual affable nature and his sudden harsh judgment was striking, revealing a dark shadow side, perhaps hiding even from himself. These are all blind veterans coping with vision loss. The behavioral examples were, fortunately, the exception not the rule. Yet they represent the challenges blind veterans continually face. Such examples of inappropriate anger are, I suggest due to held resentment. Anger held will always be expressed inappropriately, dumped on others. We may not recognize that holding anger will always spill out, that holding resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will hurt another (Nelson Mandela). Such examples seem to shout the blind veterans desperately need to understand how the mind works in each challenge of coping with grief. Blaming is both natural and instinctive part of grief work. The angry behavior serves to illustrate our implicit negative bias and mind games discussed later. Further, men, as a rule do not usually process feelings well. They ignore, deny, hide and stuff feelings. In any group conversation, for example, ask a man what he feels about what is being said. Chances are nine out of ten you will get an opinion not a feeling. In recent years, "emotional intelligence" has become a part of the vocabulary in understanding human communication and wellness. Yet, anger is a natural part of the grieving process in coping with loss, to be expected. We offer these examples to propose that an explanation of how our brains is naturally, instinctively, universally and inevitably affected by a regular, given pattern of impulses, or hidden forces, by what we have called mind games. Then new awareness, understanding and coping skills are possible.

Why is it so difficult to cope with loss? Because we have to do without. Because we have to do with less and it is forever. Because we have so many feelings it's like sitting on a rumbling mountain with many emotions: anger, fear, hope—all clamoring to be heard, that we might just choose to go numb and pay no attention or not want to get out of bed in the morning. Maybe it is more like sitting inside-an orchestra with every instrument playing a different tune, different voices. Coping with loss is a many faceted processes. But it appears our blind veterans are not understanding that it is a process called grief work. So far, in ten years of VIST programming and three months of blind rehab programming, I have heard nothing about the grief work to be accomplished. Further, when I took a course in Coping with loss from a national Institute for the Blind, the author did not get to anger for one hundred pages, and then scarcely. Are the angers of Joe, Sam, Ted, George, Phil, John and Mike the exceptions among our blind veterans or only visible at the dining tables at which I sat? Or is this behavior the canary in the coal mine, alerting us caregivers to something now being ignored? I sincerely doubt that my dining table was the only one where inappropriate anger was evident. Would it not be healing to recognize that our grief work is a process inevitably involving learning to manage anger so as to not project it on others, to know that some anger reaction is natural, instinctive and inevitable? Depending upon our feelings about our blindness, we can easily mis-read the words and intentions of others. If we have saved any anger, then we will tend to find anger out there in others, misperceiving because our emotional eyeglasses are tinted. Working for years with repeated addictive offenders, many dealt with their anger by their readiness to be pissed, at anyone or anything. It justified their upset, keeping them blind to the inner work required to change. It is too easy to go from addiction to some substance to addiction with anger, carrying a grudge. Suicide is a violent act against oneself, often fueled by anger, despair at one’s situation, possibly also anger at someone who has been judged as unhelpful. Mainstream media, CBS, last year reported three instances of Veterans committing suicide on VA grounds. Family are devastated by suicide as it is taken as an insult to their ability to love. Blindness is a devastating challenge to one’s sense of security, even our sense of

fairness in the world. In addition, anger management is an ongoing problem for the blind person because frustrations are met daily. Some blind veterans remain stuck with anger not for months but for years. It is our challenge to reach them.to invite and enable healing. On the larger scale, at 30,000 feet, the number of visually impaired in the VA for treatment is 44,000. This leaves some 100,0000 visually impaired veterans who are not receiving VA help. When we know that anger management is a daily challenge for us, we might wonder how many of these are like Joe, Sam, Ted, George, Phil, John and Mike? Several projects are being planned to speak to this need. Since first writing this I have conducted a personal survey of my VA caregivers, asking them at the end of each of my sessions, “What percentage of veterans you see come with a negative attitude, like anger, distrust, holding some grievance/” The answer across the board is 50%/ Note 1)Each year, according to the Blinded Veterans Association some 7,000 veterans become newly blind or visually impaired as age-related macular degeneration, retinitis pigmentosa, glaucoma, and diabetic retinopathy affect their lives more profoundly. The VA reached less than1/3 of these.

Chapter Four In What Stage of Healing Are You? “While though the tempest loudly roars, I hear the truth, it lived. And though the darkness 'round me close, Songs in the night it giveth”. —How Can I Keep from Singing. There is probably no one without some heartbreak. To be human is to fail, to be flawed. To be human also is to find ways to cope, to find courage, to become resilient despite setbacks. The family which as not dysfunctional is a myth. Because being flawed and imperfect is the price of being human. Parents can project their unfinished business in personal growth on their children; usually the first born gets the most shaping. A parent who is whipped as a child will usually whip his children. With stress the parent denies, the child becomes the “whipping boy.” I know this first hand. I was first born and caught plenty of anger and rage from my father from the way he was frequently whipped as a child. No kidding. Twelve step groups in Alcohol Anonymous are, according to some participants, just a retelling of “war stories,” with “battle fatigue.” This retelling keeps one anchored in the past, looking through the rear-view window. One AA member I happen to know attends a local meeting just for the purpose of confronting those who stay stuck in the past. Life itself offers many threats. It is rare that we do not pick up some trauma along the ways of growing up, some bullying, verbal abuse from parent, teacher or school mate. To be human is to survive setback and trauma, even if it happens to be due some misstep or failure on our part. Few of us can say that is nothing in the past that I regret. To be human is to live as flawed persons, though we hide, deny or rationalize it.

Therefore, it is helpful to recognize normal stages of healing that we must transition. Although, every person is unique. There are pathways by which we travel through our life journeys. It must be emphasized that each person transitions these stages uniquely. Once, a counselor friend said to my wife, “Oh, you should be through that grief stage by now!” This was several months after my wife had learned of her father’s sudden death on her birthday. The statement was not only judgmental and wrong, but mean in its lack of empathy. Here are possible stages in the grief process. These are not required nor recommended, note one could be back and forth even dealing with several stages at once and over a long period of time. One veteran reported that her isolation, and suicidal depression lasted 17 years before she found counseling help. See Chapter One, #16, Marlene. Some depression is absolutely normal and it can come and go in waves. Be advised there is much overlap since this is a confusion of feelings and each person is unique. STRESSFUL EVENT: Any sudden or significant loss or setback: emotional, physical, relationship, financial, DENIAL, Pretending, IGNORING: “This can’t be happening to me! Disbelief, even pretending this is not, cannot be happening to me. SHOCK and AWE: An emotional state of being overwhelmed, disoriented, confused SENSE OF HELPLESSNESS: Aloneness, not knowing where to turn or what to do. ANGER: Frustration, emotional reaction, with self-talk, e.g. “Why me” How did I deserve this? DISORIENTATION: confusion. Mental and emotional confusion, feeling overwhelmed Emotions Feeling hurt, cheated, abused, and angry. QUESTIONING: Why me? What does this mean to me; to someone I love, etc.

BARGAINING: Arguing with self: If only, what if....? Could I...? GUILT OR REGRET: Much self-talk, mental rehearsal, scare of the unknown, consequences. REORGANIZING: Trying out behaviors, compensatory activities. FORGIVENESS: Recognition that life goes on; not to stay stuck means to face forgiveness, ULTIMATE FORGIVENESS: Of oneself and all one’s stupid, dumb, hurtful to others mistakes. EVENTUAL GRATITUDE: seeing loss as an incentive for personal growth, learning resilience Factors which slow, retard or facilitate healing:

Positive self-image & high self-esteem Habits of expressing negative feelings resentments or to blame. Tendency to hold resentments Lack of meaningful relationship or system Ability to love and give of oneself Habits of a high trust level - belief in an Ultimate Mystery Ability to empathize with others Losses Recognition that holding on to hurts is self-hurting Health habits: nutrition, exercise, recreation, balance. Learned strategies for coping with previous stress A belief in a Higher Power as a source of help and inspiration

Willingness to "soak" hurts in prayer

Detours from Healing Anger at one’s situation is the most common detour. Anger can keep one stuck for years. When this is present, it comes with a strong energy for pessimism, finding fault, focus on the negative. If we do not realize this dark side of life is a common attraction, we can remain stuck in ive aggressive resentment, ready to explode anywhere. Some hurts are never forgotten. Some failures can continue to haunt us for a long time. In this case, we have a continual challenge for forgiveness. But we do know that some telling, some sharing is healing. Only we can decide when to let it be, when a retelling keeps us stuck. The vast differences in responding to trauma, hurt or loss is no better illustrated today is happening with the teenage survivors of the Parkland, Florida terroristic killing of 17 classmates. Despite grief over murdered classmates, they have organized to protest the gun culture of our country to demand more restraints on background checks and other measures to correct the lack of oversight that permitted the school massacre. To find some creative ion that can be corrective to the trauma experienced may be the best way to cope with loss. These teenagers have called for teenagers around the country to in a national protest. This model of response is a lesson for any one stuck to face the need to change. In summary, when we understand that the healing of our hurts and traumas is a process, that there are common feelings and features, we can begin to feel “normal.” Perhaps the highest compliment I received from my memoir in which I told of three traumas, two dealing with the abuse of conscience by Catholic authority, was the words: “Your story makes me feel I am normal.” This was probably because I unpacked my own stages of healing. See: Resilience of a Dream Catcher. In print version, 2013. The best healing is to discover a new sense of purpose or mission in life. This book is part of my healing.

Section Two AVOID THESE FIVE DETOURS Chapter Five Do We Give Free Rent to Bad Stuff? “I used to walk in the shade, With those blues on parade Now I’m not afraid: My rover has crossed over...” -Sunny Side of the Street, Louis Armstrong. Yes, our emotions are not created equal. We do not give more power to the bad stuff; we give much more power to the negative. We even regard the negative as more trustworthy. If we do not realize the ease with which we do this, we can live blindly and can sabotage our best efforts even our marriages. Regularly at parties, women who were strangers would find my wife to unload their tales of marital woe. It was so bad we stopped going to parties. Once, I asked her if women tended to be more negative in marriage than men. “Yes,” she said, unqualifiedly. “Why?”, I asked? Well, one reason is that women must multitask and men do not have to. In addition, she added, women are more open about their feelings “Even to strangers. She continued to share opinions. “When younger women gather in small groups of two, three or four, they can start sharing with something funny about one husband. This gravitates quickly to something “outrageous.” Soon, comparing husband’s faults, an implicit competition is underway to decide who among them, got the short end of the stick. No, the conversation does not always go this way, but men do not have a ready audience for tales of marital woe. “ We live with an implicit bias toward the negative. We are far quicker to find the

negative, to be anxious or fearful than to find the positive. Why is this? Our human evolution over a million years taught us to be alert to danger, to be aware when something bad might be behind us or something hidden in front of us. So, we humans are tuned, by evolutionary survival, to the negative. We are more ready to find fault, to blame than to find positives and give compliments. Humans are, in fact, ever ready to believe the worst about others, which is why smears work in political campaigns. The one most successful in smearing the opponent usually wins. Does our natural negative bias affect marriage? In this country, according to the Center for Disease Control, only one half of marriages last 15 years. The sacred vows of “for better or for worse” do not sustain the discovery of the partners’ flaws. Single moms are now 53% of the parent population according to Pew Research. If this means that many children will grow up never observing both parents disagree, work it out, soon laugh about it and remain committed, can such children approach marital conflict without foreboding and dark expectations? There is a ransom to be paid for emotional blindness. Truth be told, we tend even to delight in the negative. Check your latest cable news channel. So much does this negative bias control us, that in marriage, it is found that positive must outweigh the negative by a five to one ratio if the marriage is to succeed. We simply give more emotional weight to bad experiences than to good ones. Consider that we can have a day at work or a relationship filled with positives. Then, a single put-down or discount or even some imagined slight can loom large to ruin the entire day. We rewind and replay it, sticking like glue inside our skulls. We can rehearse it for hours, can’t seem to get our mind off it. We are more confident with negative information than with positive information, actually more likely to believe the negative as trustworthy. If we have had a setback or a stumble, some hurt or traumas, we can be so captured by these that we find it difficult to rediscover our “get up and go.” We can too easily let this overwhelm us. When someone brings a negative story about someone, we do not tend to ask what the evidence is. Or, how do you know that? Or "Are you sure of that?” We

instead tend to take delight in the falling from esteem of some prominent person. We are ready to believe the worst about others, ever ready. To recognize this is to become aware of the power of negative thoughts and to be alert to challenge them. Not to recognize this is to keep looking in the rear-view mirror, or anticipating new hurdles in front of us. Our inner chatter can veer from past regrets to future worries, making it difficult to focus on present reality. To understand the preference of our brain for the negative means we are challenged to take charge of the incessant chatter between our ears, to become more mindful, to deliberately savor the positive. Therefore, understanding how your brain became so vigilant and so easily hijacked by danger or anything negative is the first step toward gaining control over our ancient programming. Without this awareness, we have difficulty living fully in the present moment. Until we realize that we humans favor negativity, the propensity to attend to, learn from, and use negative information far more than positive information, we cannot guard against this. We shall end up with our emotions hi-jacked regularly by the negative. a basic principle of Psychology 101: all perception is selective. That is to say that we do not see reality as it is, but as we are, through particular shaped lenses. Both beauty and ugliness exist in the eye of the beholder. Further examples of how easily our brain is captured by the negative are many. . In computer lingo there is a phrase: "garbage in—garbage out", meaning that if you put messed up instructions into a computer, you get a "mess" out of it. So, it is with the human mind. If we put negative thoughts in, we will get negative feelings and behavior out of ourselves. Each of us is not only our own best friend, but also our own worst enemy not only in the ways we can hammer ourselves for mistakes and flaws. See my other books on eBook and In print version: What Kind of a Perfectionist Are You? Me and My Shadow Self, and Laughing at My Perfectionism. Below are some common "garbage" attitudes. Only if you can challenge each of these are you likely to discover which ones you hold. NOTE: If you cannot challenge each of these—that is, if you cannot perceive the irrational in each of

these, then you may be giving free rent in your head to one or more of these and allowing your emotions to be hijacked . “My life is a catastrophe when events are not as I would like them to be. “My unhappiness is the result of external events & happenings that have been forced on me & which I have no control over. “I can't help feeling upset about some things or people. “I must be approved by everyone in everything I do. “I can't get beyond what has happened to me: my present behavior is so influenced by the past that I cannot change. “How other people behave is so important to my survival that I must make every effort to change them to what I think they should be. “I must be thoroughly competent, adequate, and intelligent and achieving (OK) in all ways at all times. “I need someone or something stronger than I am to rely upon. “I should be greatly concerned about dangerous and fearful things & must center my attention on them until the danger has ed. “Certain acts are wrong, sinful or wicked. And when I perform these acts or have these thoughts, I should be severely punished. “There is one and only one perfect solution to every problem—and if this solution is not found, the result will be a disaster. “Life is easier when I avoid difficulties and responsibilities. “It's not fair” when things don't turn out the way they should. “If he/she really loved me, he (she) would think, feel or act differently. “I can't forgive because I can't forget. “It is so hard for me to come to with this... (Fill in the blank).

Notice how each of these attitudes can be habits of negative thinking, out of awareness, blindly, and can keep us stuck looking in the rear-view mirror or anticipating more negative stuff. Discussion

Can you understand how these behaviors will undermine your sense of gratitude? What changes will you make?

Chapter Six Are You a Player in the Blame Game? “Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” ― C.G. Jung One of the puzzling things about humans is our tendency to find fault and blame in others, particularly when in the midst of stress or conflict. In fact, the easiest thing in the world is to find fault—to discover their "blemishes". Some actually pride themselves in this ability and feel superior because of it. Some are blemish-seekers and fault-finders to such a degree that they feel uncomfortable with any new person until fault has been found in them. Some are such perfectionists that, once having discovered a person's blemishes, that person is forever tarnished: it is so difficult to think good of them that anything positive about them which may be later discovered is discounted. This destructive tendency is so common and universal that it appears to be a basic, primitive aspect of human experience. As children, so frail is our sense of security, so keen our sense of powerlessness that we are very sensitive to a brother or sister getting a larger share of anything. “But it isn't fair!” We demand to be treated exactly the same as others, regardless of differences that exist, and maneuver instinctively for the reassurance of getting even a slight advantage over someone else. We measure our sense of self-worth by comparing how much or how little we receive to the amount that others receive. We are gleeful if we manage to get a definite edge. Woe to our brothers or sisters if we feel like we came out on the short end of the stick—they deserve anything that happens to befall them! Even without siblings a child will experience this feeling of yearning to be big enough to have it his/her own way—one at least equal to (if not more than) that experienced by everyone else. "When I grow up, I won't have to get the short

end of the stick like I get now and have gotten for so long.". As adults we continue to look for fairness and justice everywhere in the world. When it doesn't happen, we can feel repeatedly disappointed. How many times have we heard ourselves say, “But it isn't fair!”? We expect the world and the people in it to live up to our ideas of fairness. It doesn't; they don't. The world isn't fair. Fairness does not exist except in our minds. We are not even born "fairly" with equality of opportunity. Rather, we are born with vast differences in gender, family, race, nationality and neighborhood. It is a large advantage to be born white and middle class (not to mention male) in this country. Many individuals in these categories have no grasp of the strong sense of inequality experienced from early childhood by many others. Furthermore, despite a legal system that promises justice, anyone familiar with our criminal justice system is fully aware of the tremendous inequalities in it. Un-fairness exists everywhere. Often it is being in the right place at the right time or knowing the right person rather than being the one with the most ability that determines whether or not a person gets ahead. Nature also provides us with many examples of un-fairness. If we look beyond the surface beauty of the forest to the moving life within, we observe many scenes of quiet terror: half of the creatures are chasing and devouring; the other half are being pursued and eaten. It is not "fair" to worms for them to be eaten by birds, or to butterflies for them to be caught in a spider's web. It is un-fair for damaging floods and tornadoes to happen and for all sorts of tragic accidents that claim innocent victims. Yet, we go on like children in some magical forest wherein we expect "fairness" to naturally occur and, when it doesn't, we may lose ourselves in blame or dissatisfaction due to being disheartened once again. "I wouldn't do that to you!" "He [or she or it] shouldn't be that way!" "It's not fair for you to have more (whatever) than I!" These are sentences adult-children tell themselves repeatedly, hypnotizing themselves into ruts of resentment, jealousy, and bitterness, and giving themselves many excuses to avoid taking charge of their emotions and their feelings.

Since we develop our sense of self-worth by what others think and say and the way they behave towards us, inequalities of human experience are sufficient to make any adult feel inadequate. There is always someone better off in some way than ourselves” someone smarter, some better looking, someone better off. Even those who usually appear outwardly competent sometimes experience fear that others will see them as they may really be—a sham, a slob, or someone who must constantly work at the job of appearing competent. Who does not feel small, insignificant and helpless when considering the vastness of the universe and the fact that there are no guarantees for anything— that our life or health can be snatched at any time by the smallest virus, the slightest vapor, the most stupid accident—no matter what precautions we take? Moreover, we don't have to live very long before we learn that there are other persons ready to take advantage of us, if they can. After waiting so long to grow up we find there are many things in the adult world that can challenge our security, even the more ordinary things such as paying the bills and worrying about the children. Consider just the demands of taking care of children: what parents are secure in their parenting today? As adults we want to believe (sometimes desperately) that we are as good as others, yet we constantly see so many of our own inequalities, so many ways in which life has treated us "un-fairly", that we are not very secure about the value we have in ourselves. With this basis, if we discover or hear of some fault in another person, we are ever so ready to believe it as true. “At least I'm not like that,” we say to ourselves, “I wouldn't ever do that.” For the moment, at least, it enables us to feel reassured that we are as good as, or perhaps even a little better than someone else. It is possible even to delight in the discovery of fault in others, to dwell on it, and to reassure ourselves by talking about it to others, “Did you hear about?” Notice how much the news media deal with negative topics. Often people are too ready to believe the worst about others. If something negative is said about someone, it is usually accepted without question, without asking what the evidence is for what has been said, whether it might be an exaggeration or rumor, or what the motives of the teller might be. Instead, the usual response is to believe it, whatever it is.

Finding fault, looking for blemishes, is a primary, universal game which has existed from the beginning and has ed for much human destructiveness. This tendency sets brother against brother, person against person, tribe against tribe, nation against nation, and of one type of faith against of another who believe differently. Those who believe that their form of government or religion is the only one blessed by God can use that belief to justify any deceitful, cruel or otherwise harmful acts against humanity that they may employ. What problems we create when we employ artificial, erroneous means of judgment in order to see ourselves as superior to others! We see what we want to see; we hear what we choose to hear. All perception is selective. We tend to look for what will our bias, our opinions, our belief system, and we can almost always find it. We are ready to believe the worst about others because it makes us feel better. The more not-OK we feel, the more intensely we attempt to find fault with others and the sharper we are at it. The Bible again refers to this human tendency. It records Jesus as saying, “Let him who is without fault throw the first stone.” He taught not to judge least one be judged. “Why do you see the speck in your neighbor's eye when you cannot see the plank in your own!” is one of the most profound statements about our wounded human condition. Its truth is cutting—a mind-stopper, if we think about it. A true religion—does not stress differences between denominations and creeds. Rather, it teaches good mental health: acceptance of self as a child of the universe, and the loving acceptance of others. What are some remedies for this basic human failing? 1. be aware that we can be negative or positive about anything. The glass is halffull or half-empty. The choice is yours. You can focus on your faults and those of others, or you can recognize and appreciate your good points and others'. 2. Understand that the function of blaming others is to get a cheap, smug "kick". Blaming yourself is likewise useless. Both types of blaming serve mainly to help keep you from deciding what you need to do and/or to change in order to feel more OK about yourself. 3. When someone finds fault with your behavior, don't assume that they are attacking your worth as a person; be willing to look at what happened and how

you may have been inconsiderate, overbearing, etc., rather than looking for ways to justify yourself or blaming back. 4. When someone carries tales to you and blames another, ask, "Are you interested in knowing if I want to hear that?" By questioning their assumption that you want to get one-up on another person by hearing those things, you thereby remind yourself of your own part in being a blame-receiver. Or ask, "Do you really think it is that way—I hear you making him responsible for your feelings? Or, “Have you said that person your feelings? Why not?” Or, more boldly, “Sounds like you really need to get one-up on that person somehow!” 5. Consider possible pay-offs or hidden benefits you receive from your blaming games: excuses for your lack of effort, failure to confront, self-righteousness, procrastination, guilt, and justification for just about any cop-out. The drug abs, alcoholics, and criminal offenders with whom I occasionally work blame everyone and everything, including the world being the way it is, for their state in life. 6. Recognize that we yearn for heroes and heroines and, in our desire for such, tend to put halos on mere mortals; however, once we've enthroned them, we work at cutting them down to size and uncovering their feet of clay. Then we think we have discovered something new. (\There is no scorn like the scorn we reserve for dethroned heroic figures, those who have fallen from pedestals which we, ourselves, erected. Cease putting others up and, by comparison, yourself down. 7. When cornered by a "blemish player" who plays with a vengeance “Now I got you (off-base)!”—agree that he has gotten you since he is absolutely convinced, he is right. If pressed further, ask, "How long do you want me to feel bad?" Or, over-agree and overstate: "I'm really worse than that! You have no idea how really bad I am." 8. Quit complaining and being a guilty bystander: do something in your neighborhood or community to further equality of opportunity for others. 9. Stop looking for the pimples; start looking for the dimples—it's more fun! Look for ways to give compliments. 10. Recognize that a life style of looking for reassurance by a tendency to find fault is, in fact, self-destructive of happiness.

Chapter Seven Do You Get the Short End of the Stick? “Nobody knows the trouble I’ve seen” -African American Spiritual My wife was first born girl after three brothers, so she became her mother’s helper as the family grew to ten. Consequently, her next born sister habitually felt as if Janette was favored and got all the goodies. So, they fought a lot in growing up. Also, she loved to tattle on her older sister. Once, Janette was tasked with bringing home the cows in an upper pasture. Because they would not heed her calling, she began to swear at them, using every bad word she could think of. Her sister Jean was following her secretly and heard her outrageous profanity. She ran back home to tattle to her mother, saying some words were so bad she could only spell them. When Janette returned, expecting to be switched, with her sister hiding to see the outcome, her mother merely said, “I heard you had a little trouble with the cows.” In the school yard and now on Facebook, comparisons, making fun of, criticizing and bullying is found everywhere. In middle school, we often feel a desperate need to be wanted, accepted, part of some group. If this does not happen, or a mean comment is sent our way, we experience rejection and disappointment. Research shows that girls are much meaner than boys in their social comparisons with one another. Bullying among children and teens is common today, made easy by smart phone and social media. The Center for Disease Control reports that about 4,000 teen agers commit suicide each year, about eleven per day. So much in our childhood depends upon the and caring of adults, parents, teachers, aunts, uncles, grandparents, coaches, and others. If we grow up with siblings, it is easy to feel as if a brother or sister gets more of something that we do. Being jealous can be frequent when brother or sister is older and seems to get more of something, like attention or affection. Such are the power of this early sibling rivalry that some never really get over it. These feelings continue to adulthood. Envy can emerge viciously at ing of a parent in

rivalry over parent’s stuff, who gets what? This is natural and instinctive. With the advent of social media, the internet and prevalence of smart phones, bullying has become epidemic. Even when one student is a frequent target of bullying, the teenager fears to report it to parents for fear that their smart phone will be taken away. The point here is that all of us have reason to feel inadequate at times. Some cover this by finding fault with others. But the experience itself of getting the short end is found everywhere. No one is exempt: eve in love or at work. No one is immune from some heart-break in life. Depending upon the system, we cope or do not cope well with many such interactions. If we internalize the putdowns and insults, we can come to believe that we, in fact, are not good enough. Then we implicitly tend to look for further evidence to confirm that life sucks and that is my fate. One can easily take setbacks and put downs personally. When we believing we are not good enough, we can decide risking love again is not worth the danger of disappointment. Some persons have a life story of being victimized. Janette and I once had a friend whose conversation every time we shared food would go into how badly she had been treated by her husband. It was an obsession. So chronic was it that we later decided it was probably the beginning of Alzheimer’s. The Book of Genesis in the Bible states that Eve believed the serpent's lie when he told her God didn't want her to have the forbidden fruit because it would make her more like God. She was ready to believe his lie when he, in essence, told her she was getting the "short end". Those who do not feel good enough about themselves are ready to look for and internalize hurts received. Another friend had such insecure feelings about himself that he was ever ready to assume some “slight” or criticism of himself. Compensating for his insecure feelings, he imagined himself as perfect, better than others, a fanciful world. To protect this unreal view of himself, he never risked any social relations, preferring to live as a hermit. Perhaps you have had a friend ready to take offense at something you said. To continue in friendship, you learn to “walk-on egg-shells” around them that is, become careful not to offend their sensibilities. They are not good with straight

talk or confrontation. When this pattern of behavior continues, you usually withdraw from his relationship. Here are behaviors which indicate someone is engaged in feeling victimized: › Readiness to find fault in oneself › Readiness to assume slights from others › Habit of dwelling upon hurts › Habit of looking for assurance from others › Tendency to hold resentments › Tendency to apologize whenever anything goes wrong › Thoughts of revenge › Suspicions of others’ ill intentions. › Being bothered by negative self-talk › Being easily stressed. During a recent meeting of Lexington Storytellers where I have been a member for over a decade, a new member called me aside to say ” Dr. Baute, you don’t me, but you saved our marriage years ago.” “Really? How?” I wondered out loud. “Well, we were both arguing over what was “fair” between us, and then you said, “Fair is a county carnival that comes once each year!” We both laughed. That was all we needed to realize how subjective each of us was in arguing about “fairness.” Those who find themselves in a sense of being a victim are often living in a world they expect to be fair, whether in work or life. Understanding that fact may not be enough unless one can also recognize the many fringe benefits, we are securing by that attitude.

Everyone experiences some heart ache or heart break in life. What counts is what we do with it. My wife has a hairdresser who illustrates this behavior. With each haircut, my wife is treated to another rehearsal of how bad her marriage was. The hairdresser does not realize that each re-telling magnifies the story for her, making it larger and more powerful. With each elaboration, it grows larger. Her story has become her way of connecting with her customers. Beyond the social level, she is saying see how bad I had it. I deserve some sympathy or empathy. Is your story worse than mine? She has emotional benefits in her re-telling, such that her story has become a habit, an addiction, that is, she no longer knows how to relate to her customers except through this still agonizing story of marital woe. There is prestige to be founding the ongoing tale of woe. See how bad I had it, what a martyr I have been and yet I am still coping. Some come to love the stance of being a victim. In group therapy years ago, one woman said to another after six months, “Well, I finally found someone whose story is worse than mine.” Her tale of woe is also her protection from the risk of further dating. Heartbreaking love is so universal that country music celebrates its unending rich diversity. My son used to work in a drug testing agency. When someone is caught with fake urine, causing them to be recognized publicly as a of some drugs, instead of owning they are victims of their drug use, they can quickly switch to the Blamer position, threats, cursing, kicking doors and throwing chairs to dramatize their pretended sense of unfairness. The game is not in having a tale of woe. We all have at least one. The game is in the continued retelling. This keeps one looking in the rear-view mirror, instead of being engaged fully in the current reality as well as not paying attention to where you are driving. “My swing on pity porch must be as bad as or worse than yours!” In understanding the victim position, we see that the origin is between one’s ears: what we say to ourselves about whatever happens. That some are ready to feel as if they are a victim which is privately reinforced by their self-talk. By the way, few people realize they can discover how to manage the internal dialogue. Mindfulness training has exploded during the last decade and is now being

implemented even in Silicon Valley and on Wall Street. See Chapter Nine, “Do You Manage Your Inner Spaces.”. Discussion

Can you understand how these behaviors will undermine your sense of gratitude? What changes will you make?

` Chapter Eight Are You Holding Resentments? You can't decide to turn off the noise in your head “But you can't get away from yourself. You can't decide not to see yourself anymore.” ― Jay Asher, Thirteen Reasons Why We all experience hurts and setbacks in life. To be human is to be wounded in some way, even if this is often outside our awareness. When we are hurt , discounted or experience bullying in some way, we tend to hold those feelings or just bury them, pretending to ignore the hurt. In this chapter we explore the diversity and harm that can be done by this behavior. We begin with probably the most common expression of resentments in the experience of marriage. This exploration can also open the door to realizing that, yes; I am not immune from this “get back” pattern even though I pretend otherwise. Understanding this, I can free myself from this harmful behavior. The road commonly travelled to separation and divorce is a highway of disillusionment, disappointment, avoiding conflict and, in particular, held resentments. Furthermore, since second marriages last no longer than first marriages in this country (CDC research), it appears that the skills necessary to keep one's marital views seem not learned by the time of the first divorce. The marital break-up can be avoided by learning and practicing the competencies narrated in these chapters, basically, loving regardless, understanding oneself, the practice of forgiveness, learning negotiating skills and, of course, remaining faithful to one's marital vows, "for better or for worse . What is urgent is that we recognize how slick, dicey and sneaky is the slope awaiting humans today. To be fore-warned is to be fore-armed. Since we are flawed, imperfect humans, therefore conflict is inevitable; the sickness is around every corner of the marital journey. It is a trail of hurts not forgiven and feelings

not dealt with. Emotional distance is born when anger, hurt or disappointment are not resolved When disagreements, anger and conflict are not managed, then hurts are more easily ed, disillusions are privately catalogued, and resentments are held. We do not recognize that these become emotional "trading stamps," like we used to use at the grocery store. The most useful metaphor is to view hurts held and resentments ed as emotional "trading stamps." They are "cashed in“ for some small or large benefit. Examples: When confronted with some behavior, I can say, ", you also did such and such. Each partner, sooner or later, can have a catalogue of hurts. Do we keep our list handy? "You don’t know how much I hold back!" "I am disappointed in you but if you can't guess why, I will keep on sucking on it." "If you insist on talking about this, then I could go to my list of your failures. The sad truth is that some are resentment collectors, looking for enough evidence or presumed hurts to feel justified in withdrawing from ongoing conversation. Good skills in conflict resolution are not common. In our current age of social media and the internet, keyboard warriors are ready to slam, threaten and bully others, with or without being known, anyone about anything. After years of dealing with differences and telling his wife she was free to leave, she did. He never believed she would and was suddenly desperate to get her back. It was too late. She had a mountain of held resentments. Each little hurt can be saved like a trading stamp, to be used in a future argument. E.g., "Look at what you also have done." Cashing in Resentments

The resentments are placed one by one in a memory log to use against another rather than to confront people with the cause for the displeasure. These resentment stamps are then stored up and perhaps even nursed until one has enough to "cash in" in some way for some "freebie" or a guilt-free cop-out, value depending upon the number of resentments stored. One or two books of resentment stamps can be cashed in for only a small freebie like letting the house go, spending some money we should not, spoiling the dinner, or omitting something that we know somebody wants us to do. Or, we can save up the stamps until we have 5 or 10 books of psychological trading stamps. Then we can cash these in for something bigger, a kind of cop-out permission that we ordinarily would not give ourselves, for instance, to get drunk, to flirt flagrantly at a party, to really blow the budget, to insult the boss's wife, etc. If we have a larger collection, say 25 books of resentment stamps, we can get a bigger “cop-out” still, for example, start a fight in which everything is thrown except the kitchen sink, have an affair, really mess up a job assignment, lose a week-end. With 50 books of held resentments, we can feel justified in an even bigger cop-out, a "free" quit to a job or marriage, like going-to see a divorce lawyer without having said too much to our spouse. If a marriage is one in which the conflict has been submerged and where the resentments have been stored for years, this is a bomb waiting to explode. One wife was quite subservient to her dominating husband. She never said anything, but had collected 99 books of resentment stamps. She kept a butcher knife under the mattress waiting for the last stamp. She did not use the knife but moved out children and furniture one day. Her husband came home from work to find the house empty and it took him three weeks to locate her and the children. If we get 100 books of stamps against someone—that is, resentments collected and held and nursed for a considerable length of time—we can give ourselves permission for simply cutting them off, or homicide, suicide, mental or physical breakdown, or some other tragic outcome such as a tragic massacre of school children. The Gospel itself gives us a solution: "If thy brother sin against thee go and show him his fault." (Matthew 18:15).

It is at least interesting, if not revealing, that Jesus was enough aware of our human tendency that he spoke of it several times. When you pray, pray "Forgive us as we forgive others, and "Let him who is without sin throw the first stone, and "Why do you notice the speck in your neighbor’s eye and do not see the plank in your own." One man with a guilt and resentment racket discovered a number of fringes benefits he was getting from hassling himself. As long as he continued hassling himself about the past he did not have to: 1) Stop blaming and looking for blemishes; 2) Stop being confused and think clearly; 3) Believe others; 4) Make his own decisions; 5) Give up inadequate feelings; 6) Worry about being tempted; 7) Accept his own sensuality; 8) Forgive himself; 9) Be intimate with his wife; 10) Be happy and grateful. My wife was working near the street when a neighbor mother stopped her car, rushed over, put her arms around my wife’s neck and, sobbing, cried: “My children never eat the food I fix!” My wife laughed and said, “ the crowd! Neither did mine. But if they did not like it, they had to fix their own.” The neighbor’s resentment melted. Other mothers had the same problem. A change in perspective was sufficient. This book is about changing perspective. How do some people maintain such mind games? First, by irrational assumptions that others should live up to their expectations, then not only being disappointed but terribly let down and/or resentful when they don't. Secondly, by living in the past or the future. If one spends a great deal of energy and time in thinking ahead, anticipating, and worrying and planning, one is nourishing an anxiety mind game with themselves. Other people are constantly allowing themselves to be reminded of past hurts. Still others are physically present but never fully engaged, thinking instead about problems elsewhere, with family, friends or enemies. We can use the past, plan for the future, but we can live fully in the present moment just as it happens. Recommendations If you have collected resentments against an intimate partner, or feel that a close friend or co-worker has a grudge against you, MAKE TIME SOON for a listening and cashing-in session. The one who has the stamps has the speaker's role or "floor" until he/she is finished. One who has the listening role should practice active listening by acknowledging whatever feelings are present,

without defending one or explaining. In making time for this, both should agree that when "stamps" are cashed in, they are thereby finished, redeemed. And, agree not to return to them or use them again. Held resentments can not only be disastrous for families and children, but create death and injury to innocent bystanders. In this country there is almost a mass killing per month, someone taking a gun to a school or workplace or college office, for the purpose of killing some or many. A typical source is some bullying, ridicule, rejection, as in the tragic Columbine school massacred, the Sandy Hook and now the Parkland, Florida high school. So common it this is our society that the Parkland school massacre will not be the latest.

Chapter Nine Are You More of a Pessimist or an Optimist? “Grab your coat and get your hat Leave your worry on the doorstep Just direct your feet To the sunny side of the street” —Sunny Side of The Street, Jimmy McHugh Let’s begin by defining . A pessimist focuses on what is missing, now or around the corner. The glass is half empty. When the pessimist is certain this state of affairs is universal or inevitable, cynicism prevails, placing a negative haze over everything. The optimist finds value in the present as well as what is not yet here. The glass is half full. It is here. It can be added to. I can see it, I can reach it, I can pick it up. The optimist finds the silver lining in the dark cloud, the rich potential of the possible. If blessed with a strong personal faith, one sees the cup as “flowing over,” bounteous. (Psalm 129). Any moment can be a moment of grace, for an “alleluia.” The pessimist views faith through a binary lens: Things are good or bad, true or false, right or wrong, with few in-betweens, no grays. They prefer certain moral judgments. Optimists, use trifocals, viewing reality is more complex, resisting easy judgment, they tend to accept the in-betweens as curious interesting, even challenging. PESSIMISM Pessimism is the easiest road because of its pervasive natural influence. Here are four ways we are touched and moved daily:

1) Media and news outlets attract viewership through catchy headlines conveying the negative, the outlandish, the outrageous, the unfair, the stupid accidents and any tomfoolery to capture an audience. The longer the exposure the more the viewer finds a sense of scarcity prevailing in life. Similarly, ments allure one by convincing you have something missing to make you happy. You are not thin enough, curvy enough, cool enough, etc., so you must need this new thing. Advertising is designed to convince us we need something else, that we are incomplete unless we have this X. 2) Always working is our tendency to compare ourselves with others, no matter who we are or what we have. In our own minds, we are never quite enough. We find others who have more, seem smarter, better looking, more “in.” So we easily feel as if we come up short and got the short end of the stick like when we were younger. 3) We are hardwired to find the negative, to dwell on it, be pre-occupied with the shadow side, dark side of life, both in ourselves and in others. When anything goes wrong, we immediately find fault. It must be somebody’s fault. We naturally resent those who outperform us. Leaders will be inevitably smeared. Resilient leaders know that is the price to be paid and ignore it. 4) PEWS, GALLUP, and other polls in 2019 show voters are already negative toward Congress. We can be pulled by our politicians into more distrust, anger, fear and hate, into distrusting all news sources except those approved by your political affiliations. This results in further divisions amongst the populace to live in tribal silos, unable to communicate across the gap that divides our loyalty. Pessimism is not only rewarded politically but socially acceptable. OPTIMISM Given pessimism’s natural undertow and appeal to our instincts for simple conservative stances, do reasons exist for establishing a positive, optimistic style of life? Yes. Optimism has many advantages. New medical research demonstrates a very positive connection between optimism and heart health. People who think well of their present and the future have fewer health problems as they age. Pessimists have more heart disease and strokes. COMPARISONS

How are optimists different from pessimists? Optimists believe they will handle what happens. They are positive problem solvers. The core belief is that I will handle whatever comes. Optimists find the pony in the pile of manure. They are more adventurous and more likely to persevere, to find grit. What are the actual mechanisms which fuel optimism? It consists of 1) coping skills; 2) better problem solving; 3) are engaged by a problem that comes their way; 4) are better in engaging others to help; and 5) they are more likely to engage in healthy habits such as exercise and proper nutrition. Who could have guessed that seeing the glass as half full would have such profound positive effects? The research connection is “robust” and amazing. Optimist’s find reasons to experience joy, celebration and happiness. There is nothing counter-intuitive in those outcomes, except we gain heart health to live longer, simply by what we focus upon. How we use our brain affects our bodies. The reader has already found many examples of both attitudes of blind veterans in the first several chapters “I can handle it” is the core attitude. Optimists are more pro-active, better at anticipating what might come their way. Less likely to smoke, more likely to eat well. Maybe because they tend to exercise more and eat better, their gut (microbiome). works better. They have better metabolic function. So, it is not only the heart that likes the positive attitude (But the owner of the body becomes happier. Pessimists not only see the glass as half empty but imagine the worst. Because they tend to think “worst case scenario,” they tend to live with more anxiety, more negative expectations and are more likely to become discouraged and depressed. Pessimists tend to hold hurts, “sitting on pity porch.” They do not accept that hurt, difficulty and trouble are inevitable, not accepted that suffering is, in fact, universal. So, it is always personal and sucked on. Optimists know that to rehearse some hurt, even mentally, is to refresh and renew it. ROLE OF ANGER Pessimistic persons tend to live more guardedly. Since bad things are bound to happen, they live on the edge of negative expectations. That we tend to find what we are looking for is not part of their awareness. Optimistic persons are more

emotionally honest because they expect honesty in return. They risk more. Therefore, optimists live with more vulnerability, more freedom in their emotional lives. They know firsthand that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder,” simply because they keep discovering the old adage to be true. Anger is quicker for pessimists, probably because their world is unfair to them, or in some way, they got the short end. They tend to be reactive to ordinary stress, the ups and downs of everyday life, taking setbacks as personal everready to be pissed. Optimists tend to take stress in stride, not willing for their emotions to be captured by some speed bump. Over all, optimists enjoy more positive feelings. Concerning anger, in Chapter Three, I detailed the anger management issues of some seven blind veterans at the dining tables in a residential blind rehab center, over several training sessions. Most of these showed a readiness to take offense, mostly at fellow veterans. They were regularly in anger with someone at the dining table. One cursed his food tray every meal, loudly announcing “Another Piece of shit!” In retrospect, I believe each of these blind veterans were pessimists, expecting the worse, which, according to their view, was delivered to them. Family birth order may play a small role, those who are first borne tend to be more adventurous, to believe there is something just over the horizon, seeing the world through the eyes of Columbus. For example, almost all of the astronauts were first born. No pessimist would dare to climb into a space suit to be shot into space. IS OPTIMISM LEARNED? How have I been such an optimist that I start this new book at age 90, legally blind with 27 years of stage four metastatic cancer? 1) 25% is genetic; 2) I was first born. 3) I was not a “happy camper” at home, always wary of my father’s anger, nor at school where I was always bored and more into mischief. So, I was rebellious, a risk taker; 4) I very early learned reframing (see next chapter), and fell in love at age 15 with cross country running, with the joy of challenging myself with greater distances to be conquered; 4) I had a reframing experience at age four which, I think, influenced my ability to reframe, to step back for a second view.

For most of my Catholic grade school, I was that “Bad Baute kid” who got Ds and Fs in conduct, but lucked upon one beautiful experience in the eighth grade with a teacher who believed in me. I was early a risk taker, running away from home three times, first on a freight train clear to Louisville. I describe this and three personal traumas in my memoir, “Resilience of a Dream Catcher.” (In print version, 2013) HOW DO WE CHANGE How do we turn pessimists into optimists? Several questions are necessary. 1) Do you believe the world is unfair? I was caught recently at the edge of a group meeting by a woman who approached me. “Dr. Baute, you saved our marriage years ago.” Really? | I was pleasantly surprised as this does not happen often. “How?” I asked. “Well. We were constantly arguing about what was fair and unfair and you told us ‘Fair is a county carnival that comes once each year!’ We saw that “fair” was subjective and how ridiculous we were being.” “Thank you,” I said. 2) Do you believe that people can change? Talk about how people change and what is needed. 3) Are you interested in learning how to manage the constant chatter between your ears? (See chapter X ) Discussion of these questions can reveal readiness of a pessimistic to give up negative thinking. There is no silver bullet, no right size for everyone. There are different strokes for different folks. This kind of conversation can open doors. A key factor may be the experience of gratitude When you start to feel more grateful, you feel more positive. Take time to reflect, am I having positive or negative thoughts. (See Chapter 14) Here’s a favorite song I loved from my teen years. "Gather 'round me, everybody Gather 'round me while I'm preaching' Feel a sermon coming' on me

The topic will be sin and that's what I'm again' If you want to hear my story The settle back and just sits tight While I start reviewing' The attitude of doing' right You've got to accentuate the positive Eliminate the negative And latch on to the affirmative Don't mess with Mister In-Between You've got to spread joy up to the maximum Bring gloom down to the minimum Have faith or pandemonium's Liable to walk upon the scene To illustrate my last remark Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark What did they do just when everything looked so dark? (Man, they said "We'd better accentuate the positive") ("Eliminate the negative") ("And latch on to the affirmative") Don't mess with Mr. In-between. —Johnny Mercer, 1944/

Last tip. When an optimist faces a new challenge where performance is uncertain, she simply “fakes it till she makes it.” We have learned that pretending can “work,”, and we enjoy the risk as it is a new stretch, growing into it, knowing that the possible today is better than the perfect tomorrow. Whether optimism or pessimism fuels your life, it matters to you. It effects your health, your heart and your longevity. It matters to your family and your friends. It matters to your ability to maintain a loving relationship. It matters to your community. It matters for the story you will leave to your heirs: one whose story was about overcoming speedbumps and setbacks, or not. Online Resources

Section Three PRACTICE THESE TEN EXPRESSWAYS Chapter Ten Are You Ready for Forgiveness? “The weak can never forgive. Forgiveness is the attribute of the strong.” –Mahatma Gandhi I do not recall forgiveness being mentioned in graduate school, either in psychology or in marriage and family therapy. But soon afterwards I began to discover, while working with many persons and couples, that anger, hurt, resentment and the ability to forgive were key issues. I discovered with my corporate clients that no matter how much leadership or management training they have had, the key competency that all still lack is conflict resolution and the ability to deal effectively with anger. Furthermore, without those skills, productivity gets sabotaged. Very few people know how to apologize, while fewer still know how to accept an apology. Since we are human and make mistakes, an important skill is knowing how to apologize. Four rules are recommended: 1) Do it as soon as possible. The longer you wait, the harder it is, because the more you can imagine ways your apology might be turned against you; 2) Be specific about the behavior you are apologizing for, not like a Washington politician: "If I did anything wrong . . ." Rather "When you . . . when I . . . I did not think . . . take time . . ., etc.”, describing the specific behavior; 3) Tell your feelings about the event and your feelings now. "I am embarrassed to think about how thoughtless that was . . ;." and 4) Tell how that is not like your usual or typical behavior, so you end by affirming yourself. When accepting an apology: Do not say: “I am glad you

finally see your mistake” or “It's about time,” or “I am still hurting ...” and other shoot-from-the-hip statements that aggravate the tension. Instead, if you can honestly do so, either simply say "Okay, let's get on with our work (life, relationship, whatever), or better, "I am also sorry for my part." After all, apologizing is not a sign of weakness. A good definition of forgiveness, adapted from psychologist Robert Enright, is "giving up the resentment to which you feel entitled, and offering to the persons who hurt your friendlier attitudes to which they may not be entitled." Those who refuse to forgive carry the "ghost" of the hurtful person and give away their own energy to this memory. Without doubt, those with whom one chooses to remain angry will continue to occupy the imagination, even when and particularly when one denies this is so. Those who have not resolved conflicts with family will carry that garbage into their current relationships even though they may be blind to the fact. I have seen it repeatedly. Whatever is repressed is bound to be repeated. Resentment limits one's emotional, physical and spiritual development. I was a consultant to several therapeutic communities in the federal prison system. Those who were most filled with resentment were the most stuck and the least able to change. It was as if they looked out at the world through "pisscolored" glasses. They were ready to be "pissed" and even sought for occasions to do so. The fault-finding allowed them to refuse to look at their own attitudes and continue rationalizing any and all anti-social behavior. Many ordinary people, because they do not possess good conflict resolution skills, have a tendency to sulk—that is, to look for and collect small "neglects" and presumed injustices. Behind such attitudes are seven myths: Forgiving is not the same as forgetting. One will never forget some things, but this does not mean you need to dwell on it. Forgiving is not the same as excusing or condoning or compromising, because you are not pretending that the behavior did not happen or that it did not hurt. Forgiving does not in fact require reconciling, although that may be an ultimate desirable outcome. Forgiving does not make you weak because it requires personal courage and actually makes you stronger and a better person. Forgiving is not merely an act-it is an act and a process. It begins with an act but some forgiving may take a long time. If the hurt is from a family member or a personal betrayal, forgiving may need prayer

and a lot of it. The last myth or misconception is the greatest ime. Most feel that they cannot forgive until the other has made some move to recognize the harm done. This is not true. They may not recognize or it the hurt, so this ission is not essential for healing. Forgiving is 100% the responsibility of the injured party because it is only your own behavior that you can control. The most important truth here is that forgiving is for your own sake, even if the other does not ask for forgiveness or its any wrong. It is for your health, your wellness and future openness to life. You are choosing to be loving rather than spiteful. People who nurture revenge are liable to increased heart rate and blood pressure. A study at Harvard School of Public Health found that men who scored highest on an anger scale were three times more likely to develop heart disease over a seven-year period than low scorers. These negative outcomes from "held-anger" have been repeated in other studies. It seems plausible that those who forgave were less depressed and anxious, slept better, and were free from obsessive thoughts and also from revenge fantasies. The Law of Expectations is an absolute law of human behavior. Whatever attitude we bring to a situation, we will find evidence to . We already observed in Part One that we create the world in which we live: "The world tends to be your mirror. A peaceful person lives in a peaceful world. An angry person creates an angry world. An unfriendly person should not be surprised when he/she meets only people who sooner or later respond in an unfriendly way." The following guides or tips may be helpful: 1. Accept that the present situation is not a happy one for you, and that if there is to be any change, you alone must make it first. Furthermore, that you have no direct control over the other's thinking, feeling or behavior. 2. Recognize that our feelings DO NOT arise from what happened, but from our view of what happened, that is, the frame we put around the event. Therefore, we own the trigger for our upset. We alone own the trigger, even when we most would like to put the blame on the other. 3. Consider the benefits of sitting on pity porch and reviewing one’s reasons to feel sad, or mad or hurt. There are many benefits in this type of posture. One does not have to risk changing, one has a place of sweet melancholy and sadness

one can indulge in, one can return to a sense of being a victim of something, of life, fate, whatever. Those who have a hard time forgiving will not change anything until they examine all the fringe benefits, they receive by not forgiving. Consider at least the free rent you are offering in your mind to painful thoughts. Yes, free rent in your inner space, that inner landscape where you alone decide which music you will listen to. 4. that you are an imperfect human being: blind to yourself and not knowing it. You are probably more self-centered than you can ever see yourself. We all are. You had some part in whatever happened. Your judgment was probably off-kilter some way. The easiest thing in the world is to blame. Recognize that there are great differences in perceptions, that we are blind to how we impact others, and that we all tend to idealize ourselves. 5. Some expression of your anger or hurt to someone may be either useful or necessary for the process to get started well. The listener does not need to be the offending person, but should be one who can truly empathize yet be objective; not just agree with you, but also challenge you to re-frame it! 6. Realize that forgiveness is for YOUR sake, that holding on to resentments is more hurtful to you than anyone else. It keeps you from living fully in the present—the only moment in which we can live peacefully and free of the past negatives. 7. Understand that holding a grudge can give you a secret power and sense of superiority over others. Dwelling or sucking on hurt or pain can make one feel quite "special." Many persons actually prefer holding on to resentments because of the hidden "fringe benefits" or payoffs. These have been described earlier. Examine what your possible pay-offs may be: the victim or martyr role offers diverse benefits. List some! 8. Examine whether the good points of the other person outweigh their faults even though you feel you were treated badly. Reflect upon this: "Will you feel better or become a better person by trying to improve the relationship?" 9. Comprehend that forgiving is NOT forgetting or condoning. "Because I can't forget, I can't forgive" is an alibi and not true, that forgiving begins simply with a decision not to dwell or suck on the hurt. The key is to keep refusing to ruminate. This is a decision that may need to be made repeatedly, for as often as

necessary, "seventy times seven." "Forgive us as we forgive." Forgiveness is really a process; some hurts are actually so painful and so deep that they may need years of soaking in prayer. 10. Be aware that forgiveness is, believe it or not, 100% your responsibility, and that you DO NOT really need the other person to it that they were wrong. Waiting until they it wrong keeps YOU stuck in the past. Many crucify themselves between two thieves of regret (or resentment) and guilt, then believe that others or the "world" have done it to them. 11. Be willing to learn whatever is helpful or necessary to leave the past to the past. There are some psychological techniques. Be willing to discover what your own hidden compulsion is. Address your own interpersonal impact with some serious self-study. 12. Some profound hurts from a close family member may take regular, sustained prayer even for a long period of time, in order to forgive. Our wounded ego or hurt pride may not yield except through divine grace, and persistent effort in bringing my will into God's loving kindness. Some hurts are so deep that they require patient prayer and time to heal. 13. For others who practice meditation, the remedy is the regular meditation, mindfulness, letting go of attachments, the discerning that suffering is an inevitable part of human life, with the goal of attainment of comion for all creatures. Attachment to one's own views is seen as the source of all pain. 14. If you have the courage, seeking from the other person can be an occasion for considerable increase in self-awareness, some insight and possible reconciliation. Begin by saying: "I'm sorry for my part." 15. Regardless of whether the other person responds or changes, the final step is to keep on willing love and goodness to them, wishing the best for them. This may at times require nothing short of heroic effort that can be sustained only by grace and prayer. 16. Recognize finally that the world in which we live is not fair nor orderly, nor peaceful for most people. It is often chaotic and fairness does not prevail this side of Heaven. We are not even born fairly, or equitably. Further, “every good person deserves a foe.” Ponder this: We cannot be “good without some personal challenge. That is to say, we cannot be “good” or loving without someone

challenging it. Several final notes: the hardest part of forgiveness is often self-forgiveness. We find it very hard to forgive ourselves for those times when we were gullible, blind, or allowed the darker angels of our nature to prevail in specific instances. All of us have an amazing capacity to sabotage ourselves and our talents, gifts, careers and relationships. Two observations can help. First, whatever choices are made, we and others have selected some “good,” even if an apparent good that can be seen as wrong a minute, hour or year later. The human will only choose good, even if it is apparent good. Thus, when we end up choosing wrongly or some evil, it is done blindly. “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do.” Secondly, our mistakes are not our measure, but our lessons. Secondly, simply recognize that we are only human, imperfect, unfinished persons . Embracing this, as I suggested earlier, may be both the agony and the ecstasy. “Bad things happen to good people.” Because misunderstandings are inevitable between and among humans, forgiveness is not optional but necessary for resilience. Discussion. Write your thoughts about these personal challenges for you and for those you love or care about. Who do I need to forgive? What’s going to be my process? When will I start?

Chapter Eleven Can You Talk About Your Feelings? “Empathy, humility and curiosity are Chief characteristics of superb military leadership ― Four-star iral, Navy \seal. In the Chapter on Holding Resentments, we saw how influential was the nonexpression of feelings in determining behavioral outcomes. In ive aggressive behavior, feelings are denied or weaponized, to use a new word. A fuller explanation of the role of feelings in relationships is needed. One of the reasons people play mind games is either they do not sort out their own feelings or have never learned to listen well to another’s feelings. Women, in general, are better than men. Ask any man his feeling about something and chances are you will get an opinion. Understanding the vital role of feelings in wellness is critical to a healthy lifestyle as well as success in love relationships. For the important highway of nourishing Friendships, skill in expressing feelings is urgent. To explore feelings means to listen to feelings to see what they teach us. It means to listen quietly to ourselves, not just complain. To be able to talk reflectively often needs another to listen well, without offering advice. Authentic listening does not need to change the speaker, does not “need to rescue” or take the other out of their pain. It is rather being there with them in it, inside it, so they can feel it is okay to feel, and to feel deeply whatever they are experiencing. Once, while teaching a “reflective listening” class, a student, the mother of a teenager, proudly explained the result of her new use of this method. Her teenage son, after she had not given advice but reflected the feelings he had just shared, told her, “Gosh, Mom, I think you understand.” Apparently, the son had never received that kind of response from his mother. The expression of feelings without judgment of others is critical for wholeness and emotional health, as well a success in relationships also.

Once, in cont marital therapy, the presenting problem was that of the wife: “He never talks to me about anything.” I asked her to listen while I spoke with her husband. As I became the attentive listener, he was soon sharing feelings with me. His wife practically came off the couch in dismay, “Harold, it is wrong for you to have feelings like that!” As I looked back at him, he simply shrugged his shoulders as if to say, “What’s the use?” It was clear that he had to be “socially correct” in order to open up to his wife. To be fully present, therefore, means to be present with comion, with empathy, with feelings, not with the wealth of your experience ready to help the other move beyond the pain of the moment or readiness to judgment. Years ago, when I suddenly felt the deep pain of a childhood trauma and was sobbing, my therapist rushed to comfort me. I immediately backed off from her embrace and need to reassure me. “No!” I said, realizing that I did not need that, did not want that. I needed to fully experience the deep pain of the long-buried moment. We must allow our loved ones to fully experience the pain of their loss. Because we love them, it is hard to hear their pain without needing to reassure. They do not need reassurance (unless requested). They need our presence. They just need to know that we are there, and will be there for them. To allow the other to have this kind of space and time means to respect their own power for healing. It also means to respect the holiness of the moment, the implicit and emerging wholeness of the other. It means trusting the healing which can only be personal, from within. Basically, here we are talking about A) the language of feelings; B) respecting the uniqueness of each person’s own spiritual journey; and C) developing a kind of mindfulness of oneself and one’s ability to listen at a deeper level. The challenge in this kind of listening and attentive presence is that if we have not developed the capacity to listen to ourselves, to our own feelings, to sort them, learning when and how to express them, then we can scarcely be able to listen to the feelings of another without judging, without automatically sorting into “good or bad.” We will feel the need to reassure, advise or “take over” the distress in some way, by “rescuing.” We will not be able to be present without needing to make it “okay” in some way. I was once counseling a hovering “helicopter” grandmother who believed her

thirty-year-old daughter was incapable of managing the newborn grandchild. She had always “rescued” her daughter from dilemmas and challenges and could not trust her to parent well. I explained how unhealthy this was for the entire family. When I finished speaking, the “helicopter mom” said, “Well, thank you for your opinion, Doctor.” Literally, she could not hear what I was saying. It was not within her frame of reference to examine herself reflectively. Are there many like her, blind to ourselves, among us? Yes, countless! Are such people capable of being helpfully present to and with another’s pain or loss? Frankly, it is unlikely unless they learn to speak the language of feelings and develop the skill of attentive listening. My experience from thousands of hours of listening is that many people in our society have never developed an inner life, that is, the ability to process and talk about feelings. In an entirely different format, a weekly meeting over a 20-year period of a spiritual growth group specifically designed to encourage mindfulness, most, surprisingly, did not learn to speak the language of feelings. Most preferred to deal with what was happening in their external world, seldom with their inner reflective lives. What a lesson this was! Even when we humans aspire to it and work at it, we struggle to learn the language of feelings. For some, feelings are simply not part of their frame of reference. They do not process feelings. They live on a planet where feelings are neither noticed nor important. In the past few years, the concept of “Emotional Intelligence,” (Goleman, 2005) r) has arisen. While it identifies the problem, I doubt it has changed the landscape much to notice. Serious consequences can occur from not learning to sort out one’s feelings: blaming and finding fault; not accepting useful , holding and storing anger, being reactive to stress, imagining worst case scenarios, holding resentment, hostility, anxiety and depression. Once, when asked to evaluate a group of suspended professionals for fitness for duty, I found the group to be poor “stress managers,” with feelings of hurt and anger. I was asked to give each a DSM psychiatric diagnostic label, apparently for effective processing of these “problem people.” I refused and was dismissed. What these professionals needed was training in stress management, that is, how to go inward and sort feelings, personal skills now usually available in

mindfulness training, or in the emerging field of resilience training. When I offered, as an alternative, to develop such a course, it was strangely refused. Human resource management needed to be externalized. Cope or leave, or get fired, none of that “touchy-feely stuff” around here. s, directors, managers, bosses who have never learned to access their inner selves when confronted with from subordinates, will easily feel threatened. They do not receive aimed as helpful, to be constructive advice about their own behavior. Such managers will engage in mutual defensiveness, called “circling the wagons.” Those offering are too often blemished by superiors, isolated and smeared as “trouble-makers. An example is the case of Edward Snowden blowing the whistle on the global surveillance, including vast spying on U.S. citizens by our government. Roman Catholic bishops in the USA refused to accept their own study indicating serious problems in priestly training and emotional immaturity of priests for several decades. They circled the wagons until the priestly abuses, of molestation of children, was taken up by the media. This is a tragedy of what has been called “group think,” that is, not listening to the many and varied individual voices. In effect, many bishops and several cardinals were complicit in hiding the abuses. Rather than the Vicar of Rome facing it, including Pope John Paul II, some were promoted to offices in Rome. Now the reputation of all Catholic priests is tainted by this worldwide scandal. What is curious about the inner life is that we refuse to accept in ourselves what we find too easily in others. If there is a piece of ourselves, we have not forgiven, we will tend to find that same piece to dislike in others. The point here is that becoming reflective, sorting out one’s feelings, is vital to our wellbeing, peace, good relationships, and family harmony. When we do not take care of this inner work, it magnifies our insecurity and tends to isolate us. We will blindly play mind games. We will hold them too close or push them away without realizing what we are doing. And yes, psychologists and other health professionals also do it, sometimes, “in spades.” This is the habitual work of a psychotherapist, teaching one how to be more reflective. Finding a listener, friend, or mentor able to do this may not be easy, but it will be worth the search. Fortunately, there are many tools today available to help one develop this ability for oneself.

What can help you listen better, be more fully present to the loss, grief and pain of your loved one? Here are some suggestions:

Develop the habit of reflective listening to yourself. Take time daily to do this. Schedule it. Start journaling regularly about your feelings. Write simply from your “gut” without censoring, expressing all of your feelings. a class which practices some form of reflective awareness, such as Mindfulness Training, Yoga or Dancing Mindfulness (Jamie Marich, 2013) Read and practice the “Practicing the Power of Now,” or some book on mindfulness meditation. Begin each day by placing yourself inside your “Circle of Wisdom Teachers,” whereby in imagination, be quietly present to any and all of the mentors, elders, and teachers in your life. When you take your daily walk or other exercise, be fully present to each moment; paying attention to your breathing, literally “stop to smell the flowers.” Discover whether forgiveness (of self or others) should be on your agenda. Look for ways to risk yourself in loving service. Find friends comfortable with the sharing of feelings. Celebrate the present moment. Decide to live with a grateful heart. Find reason to sing and dance every day.

I believe it is the challenge of each of us to live more reflectively, to possess our “souls,” to take charge of how we respond to whatever impacts us. When nothing in our world has ever taught us to be this way, we do not know how to start. Yet, with the increasing pace of change, we are ever more challenged to manage our stress well.

Discussion.

Can you understand how these behaviors will affect your sense of gratitude? What changes will you make?

Chapter Twelve Do You Practice Positive Reframing? “Be happy in the moment, that's enough. Each moment is all we need, not more.” ― Mother Teresa In my memoir, Resilience of a Dream Catcher, I describe how I had my first lightbulb “Aha!” re-frame at age four. Mom had at least two babies in the house and I am sure I was pestering her. She did the only thing she could think of. She dragged me outside and used a clothesline to tie me to a tree. After exploring the reach of the rope in the area around the tree, I settled on the knot that secured my tether. That knot was tight, but then, to my surprise, I discovered that they \other end of the rope was not tied to me, but to my sun-suit shoulder strap. With my very first “Aha!” excitement, I slipping the strap and rope. Now suit less, in my birthday suit and free of all restraints, I took off running like any four-year-old towards downtown where the trains went by. I managed a few blocks before being apprehended. I tell the story in Chapter 4 of my memoir, “The Rope is not tied to me!” I have mused whether that first reframe became an emotional template which allowed me to survive three life traumas. Here is a short story which illustrates changing of perspective, or re-framing. A farmer had a horse which ran away. A neighbor came by and said, “Bad news!” The farmer said, “Maybe.” The next day, the farmer’s horse returned with three wild horses. The neighbor came by and said, “Good news!” The farmer said, “Maybe.” The next day, the farmer’s son broke his leg trying to ride one of the wild horses. The neighbor said, “Bad news.” The farmer said, “Maybe.”

The next day, the king’s men came by to recruit for the newest war. Because the farmer’s son had a broken leg, he was not recruited. The neighbor came by to say, “Good news.” The farmer said, “Maybe.” Perspective shapes our response. When we take a second look at some situation, psychologists call this a “reframe.” We can reframe anything. In my jail ministry, I teach my repeat addictive offenders to reframe, for example, “It could be worse!” Yes, they could be dead on the street. Instead, they are in an effective time-tested program for developing sobriety and resilience. One of the fun things about life can be how we see things differently—even if we are married for a long time—to the same person! We tend to view reality through our total life experience. This varies greatly according to family background, race, and upbringing. Perception is selective. We see only what we are ready to see. Furthermore, we live in a culture that is overwhelmingly negative, as the media mostly report bad news and the squeaky wheel. Yet here is our challenge. To live with a sense of gratitude, we need to be able to focus on the positive, find the positive and empower the positive. With practice, we should be able to come up with a generally positive way of seeing just about anything. I suggest the blind veterans’ stories in Chapters One and Two demonstrate this possibility repeatedly. Ten years ago, I was pronounced legally blind by my Retinal specialists. I was not ready to give up driving. Neither did I like my VA diagnosis of “Catastrophically Disabled,” putting me in the category of Blind Veterans. Then I found my positive reframe. The VA got the second word wrong. It should be “Catastrophically Challenged. I will show them how un-handicapped I am, in attitude and energy and accomplishments. With the awesome help of four training sessions at the Hines VA Blind Rehab Center, I have stayed active in storytelling, mentoring a correctional program, officiating a wedding chapel and now authoring books, titles both print and eBook. See titles in Other Books by the Author. Here is a list of positive reframes. It could be worse.

It is a challenge, not a problem. It is a growth experience. It only happens to really special people. You will have some great stories to tell about that. It is just a small part of something much bigger and more important. Some people would pay for experiencing that. It is a magnificent thing just to be alive. The glass is half full, not half empty. You will be a lot more able after having resolved this. It is ability, not a limitation. Imagine what you would be missing if it were any different. It is all communication. You can add this to your CV, curriculum vitae. It is all learning. Is there a possible spiritual meaning in this? Love can resolve anything. It is useful in a different context. Somebody else would respond differently. We need challenges in order to survive and thrive. Part of you knows what is going on. Any part of you is basically good.

Life is about having fun and learning. You don't need anything else; your intuition will guide you. The universe will help you, if you will let it. You have everything you need right here and now. Wow, that is just great! There must be a really important lesson in this. What is it? It could only be bad if we compare it to something else. Is there another way to understand this? You will be stronger because of this experience. Your DNA has programmed you for hope and resilience. Where will you find this in your situation? Count your blessings “Let It Be” song by the Beetles “Fair is a county carnival: it comes once each year.” Since your DNA has programmed you to find hope and resilience, where will you start? Are you “sitting on pity porch” with that story? “God” is the unexpected event in our lives. (Save this one for people of faith) We are the change we’ve been waiting for. Of course, the best reframe is laughter at oneself. How stupid, dumb, silly or crazy that seems now. Now I know FOR SURE that “smart people do dumb things.” In this, I am being asked by the universe to the flawed human race

and give up my pretensions, it that no one, least of all me, has it all together. “Send in the clowns: don’t worry, there’re already here!” The above are all general reframes. A specific reframing of the situation at hand might often be more useful. That is often what we do with our techniques. We work on the specific stuff and we get it to mean something else. For the reframe to become an attitude, it will need a ing story frame. For me, it was first, “The rope is not tied to me!” then “the Little Engine That Could,” then the Lincoln story, and finally the Jesus story. My granddaughter was undergoing chemo and bone marrow transplant for a rare bone disorder when she experiences several scary setbacks. It was not working right; she became upset and depressed. I invited her to become a fierce warrior Princess for her endeared “Poppy.” This gave her a ive story. Of course, she had to own the story, but her deep iration for her grandpa helped. Suggested Exercise: Memorize several of these reframes . Try several of them “for size.” Practice these until you can have a positive reframe ready for most anything. Ask yourself whether you have or need a ing story. A personal ission was needed and I found several and kept on finding them. I needed them. With change today happening faster than any of us can grasp, our stress management ability is challenged, however, we can make positive reframing of whatever happens a habit of our heart., thereby enhancing our wellness and ability to thrive, no matter what. Discussion It is likely you have already discovered at least one re-frame for yourself in some setback situation. Discuss this. 1. Can you think of situations where a re-frame could help? 2. Select a positive re-frame and make it into a motto, attitude or story for yourself. 3. Laugh at yourself more,

Chapter Thirteen Do You Manage Self Talk? “If you truly want to change your life, You must learn to manage your internal chatter.’ -Anon. Why are we Americans so unhappy? We live in a culture of negativity with cable news announcing hourly the latest failure of humanity. One in five adults binge drink weekly. One in six of us use anti-depressants or anti-anxiety pills. Eleven teenagers commit suicide daily (4,000 per year). Six percent of college students contemplate suicide annually. Some 20 veterans commit suicide each day. Obesity is epidemic. Everyday 115 Americans die of opioid drug overdose (National Institute of Drug Abuse) cell phone addiction and other internet social media addictions are common. Office water cooler conversations are about the latest scandal; Yet we Americans live in the wealthiest society in history. We live with peace and freedom with relative opportunity, yet with extraordinary privileges not even dreamed of one decade ago. Still, most of us seem unhappy. Why? Perhaps we are overwhelmed by the thought that we, by comparison with others, are missing out, somehow coming up short. Perhaps there are too many possibilities and we are fearful we will not make the right choice, or one we can be happy with. Perhaps, instead, the cause is that we do not manage the ongoing, never ending chatter between our ears. If so, there is a remedy. Given this wide sense of unrest, there should be no surprise that a method of developing mindfulness about our lives has become, well pandemic, most everywhere touted and practiced. Even Bill Gates, who long regarded meditation as “woo-woo” stuff, now meditates at least three times weekly. (Business Daily , December, 3, 2018)

As a co-leader for a meditation group, the Spiritual Growth Network of Kentucky, we were engaged for three decades in helping people manage their emotional, mental and spiritual welfare. We practiced many forms of meditating, but mindfulness was the most often employed. In Ohio, psychologists conducted an annual retreat focused on “The Union of Psychology and Spirituality.” Mindfulness training was a regular part of the continuing education offerings where I led workshops for nine years. “This vaguely defined self-improvement method draws upon both Buddhist and Transcendental traditions to emphasize focus on the present moment and radical self-acceptance. What was once a niche movement has metastasized over the past decade? Colleges and medical schools now encourage mindfulness to reduce stress. Corporations offer mindfulness training to increase employee well-being. If the fliers posted around my workplace are to be believed, one can learn the basics of this panacea with only 15 minutes of training.” By Dr. Jacob Appel. The Baltimore Sun, March 25, 2018. Therefore, review these measured results found by research: › More deliberate focus of attention › Lowered blood pressure › Become Less easily distracted › Lowered anxiety levels › More clarity in thinking › Expanded sense of being calm › Less reactive to stress › Better general health › Integration of body, mind and spirit. › Better guidance from sources of inspiration › Increased non-judgmental awareness.

› Teaches control of inward and outer noise All of these outcomes find in extended research. Of course, none of these benefits are a “silver bullet” or an overnight accomplishment. But they offer a very strong case for everyone to consider. It is enough to start with a short five- or ten-minute regular period of time even in a busy schedule. Mindfulness meditation is simply paying attention to your background awareness of breathing, while continuing to ignore the foreground, the constant flow of ideas and feelings. Or any external noise. It is returning to awareness of the body through the rhythms of breathing rather than being distracted by noise inside or outside. It is first of all a calming experience, returning to the experience of being fully present, just as it is happening. There exist a number of ways to focus on the background of breathing rather than the foreground of your stream of consciousness. One favorite way is to pause for one or two seconds after breathing intake. Another is to use a counting rhythm, a count of 6-8 on intake, hold for the same count, and same count in exhaling. Playing with some of these choices can deepen and strengthen your ability to maintain focus on your breathing. Those starting are often upset that they must continually bring awareness back to breathing, gently back to breathing. But, in fact, you cannot do this wrongly. It is the practices of mindfulness breathing which bring many benefits. I have incorporated mindfulness breathing into my regular aerobic exercise program which I explain later in the chapter “Do You Love Your Heart?” Many forms of meditation exist. One popular spiritual form is imagining oneself in a gospel scene with Jesus and either having a conversation or just being still in contemplation of the mystery. Another is finding some chant and using it. I have memorized several poems and prayers and turn often to them. Most often, I just repeat the word “Yes” to all that I am and all that is. One favorite method of my own is to put myself in a quiet place, usually early in the morning before others are awake. I call into my awareness my personal circle of wisdom teachers. I am just quiet in their presence with me, not needing to say or ask anything. Often, I will receive a gift of some sort for the day. I can also recommend walking outdoors while focusing on breathing with a one second pause between inhaling and exhaling, thereby becoming exquisitely

aware of every step and the birdsong around you. Some say they do not have time, five or ten minutes each day for this practice. In fact, research shows we are distracted inside our heads about 45 percent of the time. Therefore, learning to meditate can even give you more effective attention and engagement in whatever you choose. The work in completing all the challenges of this book would not have been possible without regular practice of mindfulness meditation. Free smartphone apps teaching mindfulness meditation in many forms and of various lengths are now available. I can recommend these apps: able from the App Store: Insight timer, Headspace, Gaia and CALM. The friendly software allows choices between guided, music, as well as offering various programs. Also, the 10% happier podcast by Dan Harris is free. Weekly, he interviews meditation experts and gurus. Latest headlines brag it is now on Wall Street and in Silicon Valley Consider adding “meditation” and “mindfulness” to your iPhone news categories. I have used mindfulness meditation for the past thirty years and consider it as valuable as regular cardiovascular exercise. It is a huge boost to my living daily with a profound sense of gratitude. So here is a fair question. What has the thirty years of teaching and practicing mindfulness done for you? The short answer first: I am 90+ now and still deg and writing books like this one. At age 90, with a VA diagnosis of “Catastrophically Disabled,” legally blind, I rise early to meditate. Aware that every day is a miracle, with new health hazards around every corner. I could paralyze myself with anxiety about tomorrow. I could rehearse past regrets and worst-case scenarios. Instead, I live each day, fully engaged in each moment, keenly aware I still am so lucky to have my awesome loving partner. I believe I am happier and more at peace than any other time in my life and live each day with amazement, gratitude and joy of the present moment. I respect my body’s need for aerobic exercise by swimming at least two hours each week. As far as my productivity, check the list of books written since my training at the Hines VA Blind Rehab Center in 2011, with the list at the end of this book. Discussion

Find and talk with someone locally who is experienced in one of these meditation modalities Explore beginning a regular practice.

Mindfulness makes it easier to forget your fears A new study shows that brief daily mindfulness training makes it easier to achieve lasting extinction of fear reactions. Read in SCIENMAG: https://apple.news/AbUAi0axYQmqtD9iwtS-yMw

Chapter Fourteen Do You Choose Positive Affirmations? Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark: What did they say when everything looked so dark? Man, they said you gotta Accentuate the positive, Eliminate the negative, Don’t mess with Mr. In-Between. - Accentuate the Positive, Johnny Mercer Affirming oneself positively in specific can open the mind to new ways of thinking and feeling. Over many years of listening, a diverse list has been compiled. Many have found a list like this helpful. Choose one or two that best fit the moment for you, or use in a meditation, repeating selected ones to counter negative thoughts or feelings. 1. As I begin this at this moment, I have no need to worry, analyze, or solve any problems. 2. I am tuning in to the natural rhythms of my body, observing my breathing. 3. I could not earn or deserve the gift of life. I accept the gift of my life with gratitude and joy. I am glad I was born. I choose to live each day fully. 4. I am allowing every other thought, feeling and sound or noise to fade away. 5. I am willing to let go of every mistake I ever made; from the day I was born. 6. I am willing to heal all hurts, given and received, and all memories. 7. I refuse to hold myself guilty or to attack myself for past failures. 8. I am releasing all hurts and regrets, all resentments and disappointments.

9. I am allowing these truths to be absorbed in my bones, my heart, my mind. 10. I allow no person, no event, no situation to define or diminish or control me. 11. I accept and like myself. I am a loveable and loving and capable person. 12. I refuse to wallow in negative thoughts or feelings. 13. I recognize ways I upset myself as emotional addictions, harmful to myself. 14. I choose to look for and discover, both in myself and others, the dimples rather than the pimples. 15. I choose to be a loving friend to myself. 16 . My job is not to copy anyone, but to find my own center, discover my own resources, and unfold my own unique talents. 17. I am a child of God, a spark of the Divine, an unrepeatable cosmic miracle. 18. I choose the thoughts that I have and whatever feelings I experience. 19. Today I have all the courage, energy, zest, and peace that I need. 20. I choose to heal all hurts: to forgive myself and all others. 21. I have the courage to be imperfect: to make mistakes without getting bent out of shape. 22. My gift to the universe is to love myself and to be a self-giving person. 23. I am standing tall & sure & free: unchained from the past, not fearful of the future. 24. I embrace, affirm, and inwardly celebrate the wonder of all my gifts. 25. I accept responsibility for my own thoughts, feelings and behavior. 26. I learn from my mistakes. I am grateful for the reflections they teach me. I accept my mistakes as opportunities to learn and to grow.

27. Any crisis can be a stumbling block or a stepping stone. I will look for and expect to find the silver lining in every dark cloud. 28. I respect my body. I appreciate my body as the precious physical plant thru which I experience LIFE. I owe and will give my body the respect & protection it needs. 29. I choose to risk myself - to place myself in situations where I am stimulated & challenged to learn, to grow, to develop more fully. 30. I easily express my thoughts and feelings where appropriate. 31. I have the right to say "NO" to others without losing their respect and love. 32. I accept the right of others to feel quite differently from how I do & to disagree. 33. I have the right to feel good about myself & stay with good feelings without having to earn them. 34. I deserve to play, have fun, even to be silly without having to justify it. 35. I ask for and accept help & cooperation from others whenever needed or useful. 36. I appreciate myself and my own many resources more each day. 37. I will that my body and my spirit remain strong, always healing and renewing themselves. 38. I can choose to relax, put "my feet up and hair down" without feeling guilty. 39. I will no longer think in "fair-unfair" in any part of my life, because fair is a county carnival that comes once a year. 40. More and more, I enjoy moving towards people warmly and with affection. 41. I imagine myself confronting others assertively whenever I need to. 42. I choose to change all hurtful habits of thinking and feeling.

43. Each time I look into the mirror I see the miracle of my life, how I have grown and mellowed, and the wonder of the character & person that is evolving. 44. More and more I relate to all else from my own deep center, where there is always peace and tranquility waiting. 45. I have abundant love to give. The more I give the more I receive. 46. I create my own life, my own world, my destiny. I accept this for myself & others. 47. I will see every problem and difficulty as shaping in me a mellow & resourceful character: a great heart and spirit. 48. I am becoming more calm, tranquil and serene every day. 49. Because I want and need forgiveness for myself, for my own mistakes and self-centered-ness, and because I need to do this for my own well-being, I truly forgive everyone who has ever hurt me, perhaps naming here a particular person. 50. I have the right: to change my mind; to be inconsistent sometimes; to say when I don't know or don't understand; to express feelings without always justifying them. 51. Regardless of the past, I can make each day the first day of the rest of my life. 52. All I give to others is truly given to myself. 53. I will continue working with these affirmations until they become truly part of me. Each day I will select one affirmation, write it on small card, and use it all day long in free moments. Whenever I discover negative thoughts or feelings, I will counter or attack them with a self-affirmation. I will compose new ones for myself whenever necessary. 54. Themes of this meditation are peace, acceptance, love, growing, and taking charge of my inner and outer life. All of these themes can be summed up in one word: PEACE. 55. Whenever I think of this word PEACE myself or hear it repeated when I am

using this approach, LOVING AND PEACEFUL thoughts will flow all thru my mind, and I will feel a deep, wonderful sense of relaxation flowing thru my entire body. 56. I visualize the end result of each affirmation as vividly as possible, practice them in front of a mirror, repeat them frequently to become aware of resistances. 57. I am truly a GIFT to myself and to others. I will unfold this gift. 58. I am one with all creation, all life, all suffering, all joy: one with the cosmos. Choose one of these daily as your mantra, or repetitive thought, for positive focus.

Chapter Fifteen How Do I Decide “Who Am I”? “I once lost my address, And my cell phone number, Then my cellphone. Then I lost my job. And forgot Who I was supposed to be. ? Finally, I lost my name Then I discovered myself, Who I was meant to be”? —Anonymous This guidebook has invited and encouraged much self-assessment so far. Hopefully, you are feeling good about this journey. This particular chapter invites the reader to go further still, really to a new beginning in self-awareness. Change may be the only “constant” in our lives today. Our world is changing faster than we can keep up. Challenges to manage well the stress and strains of modern life are magnifying. Without an internal point of reference, we easily feel over-whelmed, caught up with the demanding busy-ness of everyday life. Our education has often been sadly neglected in helping us find this internal point of reference where we can take time to scan our possible responses. Allow me to offer a brief exercise here in mindfulness. Call this “The Story of Me, chapter one”. Use a blank page at the end of this guidebook. In the upper half, left margin list numbers 1-7 with blank space after each. In the lower half draw a large sun flower with a center about one inch wide with seven large petals. You are about to be asked seven questions. There is no right or wrong answers,

only the first thing that comes to your mind, in your own unique stream of awareness. Simply put down the first thing that comes to mind. You cannot use your name or a pronoun, like “me” or “myself,” etc. Reminder: there can be no wrong answers and you may respond differently anytime you do this. It is important that you catch your stream of conscience and put down the first thing that comes to mind. Now, ready? First question is “Who are you?” Second question, “Who else are you?” Besides that, answer, keep asking the question until you have seven answers. In a group, brief discussion follows to discover similarities. Now place each of those answers in one of the petals of the flower. Most of your answers may be relationships, which do not tell your “who-ness”. You decide from the center of the flower how much time and energy goes into each of those petals. These are your primary self- definitions of YOU and tell how you value yourself. . To what extent do your answers represent your priorities? What is missing for you? Now the real question is who is the "you" who answered the seven questions? What you brought to this exercise is a Center of Awareness, a witnessing and observing self. Developing this ability is called “mindfulness training,” and has many benefits in stress management. Developing mindfulness has many benefits: Here ae some: 1. You will be able to recognize that there is a center of awareness from which you are always choosing 2. You can deliberately decide how much time and energy needs to go into any one of those many roles in which you participate. 3. You will more quickly realize attachments and preoccupations which tend to distract you from some intended focus of attention. 4. You can more quickly identify feelings and emotions arising from your environment with more clear choices. x5. You will recognize emotional attachments more easily.

6. You slowly gain control of your inner space, the ongoing chatter between your ears. 7. You will come to value calm and stillness wherever you find yourself. 8. You will arrive at a sense of yourself which is both more confident but also more able to be tuned in with others. Consider: would it be helpful for you to take time daily to become aware of your center, that is to become more reflective, perhaps learn some meditating practice?

Chapter Sixteen What is a Healthy Personal Faith? “Power tends to corrupt and Absolute power corrupts absolutely. —Lord Acton. Our DNA has programmed us to find hope and inspiration. Yet faith has been so misused by humans that some cautions about its use are needed. The history of religion demonstrates widespread use of faith, to judge, isolate, condemn and even kill others. This remains true even today, in widespread terroristic suicide bombings and even in this country. The author has experienced abuse at the hands of religious authority, those assuming the mantle of Christian faith. If the reader wants a view of his faith before reading this chapter, she can skip to Appendix Five, “If I Were God.” Belief in one of our wisdom traditions is an asset to finding resilience. Since faith is a gift of grace, no one can judge another’s faith, its boundaries or specifics unless it proves or is proved harmful to others. So, it seems imperative that we should define, not the specifics, but at least the boundaries of what is a psychologically healthy faith. Each faith form is unique because, simply, each person is unique, in faith, a never before imagined miracle of life, a spark of divine mystery embodied in human form. Consider this list of non-prescriptive characteristics of a healthy spirituality. Please these descriptions are not prescriptive or rules for anyone. The list is long because I have not only seen much but have been the victim of religious abuse. The spiritually healthy persons: Does not see faith as the magic solution to all of life's problems or those one is unwilling to face, e.g., "God will do this X for me". Has a sense of humor and is able to laugh and poke fun at oneself?

Does not employ rituals, like attending church on Sunday, to create a sense of superiority or security. Does not use faith to avoid one’s personal responsibility Does not look for an all-knowing parent or an authority ready with answers to all problems Is known by kindness, generosity, comion, openness, humility & respect for others. Tempers spiritual ambition with imperfect reality of ordinary life. Does not abandon the need for critical thought and insight. Holds honesty with oneself as a core value of life, therefore is committed to regular self-examination. Refuses all self-elevation and any judgment of others' paths. Regards everyone, regardless of differences or status in life as a potential teacher. Is leery of converting the absolute we worship into an absolute for others. Enjoys healthy, warm, loving and game-free relationships. Accepts imperfections and flaws of our humanity as instructive and redemptive. Does not assume its faith convictions allow it to “convict” others. Is seldom isolated from a community of fellow seekers. Regards scripture as story, parable and metaphor, not literal or historical. Accepts that it is often through pain, failure, trauma or crisis that we are brought to a deeper spirituality. Knows the journey can seldom be taken safely alone without some guide or mentor, even if it is only sacred writing, or still better a person of some experience and wisdom.

Realizes the danger of religious enthusiasm without a guide. Finds continual gratitude for the gift of faith Recognizes that the spiritual journey is beset with many pitfalls, traps, and illusions and is willing to test one's "leadings" with others. Does not make an idol out of any religious symbol, object, project, or practice, nor out of one's own religious path. Is ready to give witness, but never judgment on those whose convictions conflict with our own; seeks the truth and stands for it with ion, but never acts as if one has exclusive claim upon truth or morality; may never ever claim that its conviction, however deep, binds the conscience of another. Recognizes that scripture comes in a cultural envelop colored by the social views of the authors, limited therefore and cannot be automatically applied to our times. Knows, really knows, that no moral crisis can ever excuse people of conscience from full respect for the freedom and responsibility of every other conscience, Pursues a way to share and celebrate the giftedness or undeserved blessings of one’s life and faith. Chapter Seventeen Do You Love Your Heart? “The heart has its reasons which reason knows not.” ― Blaise Pascal In the middle of our chest, just under the sternum is this incredible complex muscle not much bigger than your fist. It is our most necessary organ but we often do not care for it. We put it under much unnecessary stress by bad health habits, eating junk food, not coping with stress, tension, fatigue, lack of sleep and all manner of setbacks. It is a humble servant, taking only what we give it. Yet it labors on, sending gallons of blood every minute to all our organs and our

extremities without fail for many years. Over a lifetime, your heart pumps the equivalent of four supertankers of blood, about a million barrels, back and forth. Our heart does four different things every second: receiving used blood from everywhere, sending that to our lungs for fresh oxygen, returning to the heart and then sending it out again, approximately 72 times every minute. Our blood has to reach every extremity, some 30 trillion cells, to the far reach of our skin, our largest organ. The heart contains an electrical system which sparks every contraction, helping an electrical system transmits signals throughout the heart to coordinate the four valves and pumping. This incredibly complex organ works continually without conscious awareness. If you want an all-natural “miracle drug” better than any real miracle drug which elevates your mood, helps your memory, makes your immune system stronger, and protects your heart from the expected decline associated with aging, then look no further than aerobic exercise that gets your heart pumping, makes you sweat and stretches your lungs. Most of us are likely to hear about the health benefits of cardio vascular, or aerobic exercise. Nevertheless, it is easy in a busy life style to neglect this kind of workout. We suggest that aerobic exercise is a valuable tool not only in maintaining health but coping with all sorts of stress. I had no idea when I fell in love with cross country running at age 15, that I would contribute greatly to my mental health for the rest of my life. I ran regularly for the next 25 years before switching to swimming. New benefits are being discovered and proven regularly. Let us take a review: Then I will share a new way to maximize your workouts. Resent research demonstrates exercise is as important for your brains as it is for your heart. Here are the many functions aerobic exercise provides: › It refreshes your entire muscular system › It keeps you younger, reversing some effects of normal aging. › It improves heart functioning. It is a mood elevator

› It is a stress reliever › It can reduce depression › It is good for your gut › It keeps your skin healthier › It is a remedy for anxiety related disorders. › It can reverse some diseases such as diabetes Maybe none of these are new to you, but new -research studies regularly affirm all of these benefits. They are being continually reported in heart health categories of the news. The gold standard is at least three 30-minute aerobic exercise sessions per week, or walk 20 minutes daily. Allow me to personally attest to these benefits by my own program at age 90. For the past ten years, I have been able to swim approximately 3-4 times per week, each session 30-45 minus non-stop. Before that my wife and I skied regularly during the winter. Living in the country, we had much outside work. However, I will share a secret in maximizing aerobic and mental benefits from swimming. I use swimming as an exercise in mindfulness, by keeping my attention on my breathing, while at the same time increasing each breath taken by 1-2 %, giving my body more oxygen than it is demanding, this increases the aerobic exercise, moment by moment, while, at the same time, keeping me focused on my breathing as I swim. This I call mindful super aerobic swimming. It trains the mind while it exercises the body. This sure keeps my 92-year-old brain busy. I turn my 35 minutes of swimming into a mindfulness meditation while stretching my aerobics. At the end I feel exhilarated. Is there anything more beautiful than water? When I leave, every cell in my body wants to shout “Alleluia!” How many cells? Incredibly, 37.2 trillion, and they are all thanking me at the same time! Wow! Without regular aerobic exercise the aging heart becomes smaller and stiffer. Check out Dancing Mindfulness by Dr. Jamie Marich (201. She taught me I could combine mindfulness with movement.

I would suggest those who use other forms of exercise also adopt this method of enhanced breathing an attention. If you have been sedentary, you may need to check with your physician before beginning a program of moderately strenuous exercise. At the end of the day, ask yourself: “Have I been good to my heart today.”

Chapter Eighteen Living With Amazement There are two ways to live, said Einstein. “Either nothing is a miracle or Everything is a miracle.” Which shall we choose? In this chapter, I wish to consider the thoughts and reflections which allow, nay, invade, nay, persuade me to live daily with joy, surprise and amazement, finding serendipity around every corner. These reflect the unconditional and undeserved aspects of my very existence, the total giftedness of my life. I did not have to happen; none of the events in my life had to happen once I was here. None of those amazing people I met had to appear and be so incredibly influential in my life, both for good and for bad. I did not have to find buried resources to cope and survive my traumas. I did not have to fall in love with cross country running and use that practice for the next 25 years. I did not have to learn to enjoy pushing my envelope, e.g., running longer. I did not have to compete in other sports, including boxing. I did not have to find myself spending my entire life devoted to the life and practice of monasticism I could never have anticipated that practically at the moment I had decided to leave my monastic vows, there would be a pretty woman smiling at me who would become my wife of 51 years. At the most transforming moment of my adult life, Janette did not have to be working at the Comp Care Center in Lexington where we met. I could never have imagined the transforming power of our first kiss. Instantaneously, a spontaneous child part of me, long buried in a sober, reflective, thoughtful life style, was present. A freedom of feelings swept

through me. I simply was not the same person I was before; I would never have believed that a single kiss could transform someone’s life. But I was never again the thoughtful, guarded always sober person I had been a few moments earlier. There are, fortunately, two songs which express well the wonder and awe of that moment beginning our love. Suddenly, song by Hugh Jackman in the movie Les Miserable, with these words: Suddenly you hear suddenly it starts Can two anxious hearts beat as one? Yesterday I was alone Today you walk beside me something still unclears something not yet here has begun. Nevermore alone nevermore apart you have warmed my heart like the sun. You have brought the gift of life and love so long denied me. Suddenly I see What I could not see Something suddenly Has begun” The second song is by Julie Andrews the Sound of Music, “Something Good”

which so illustrates the crazy, profound goodness of the moment of realizing love: Perhaps I had a wicked childhood Perhaps I had a miserable youth But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past There must have been a moment of truth For here you are, standing there, loving me Whether or not you should But somewhere in my youth or childhood I must have done something good Nothing comes from nothing Nothing ever could So somewhere in my youth or childhood I must have done something good.” Okay, so the reader now knows I am a Romantic. I find surprise and wonder around every corner. I was riding in the back seat of the limousine from the airport to downtown Atlanta to a conference. Half way through the ride, the limousine slowed as the driver turned around and said, “My engine is overheating badly. I may have to pull over and stop.” A mutual gasp was heard as engers suddenly realized that this emergency meant missed appointments. “No!” I said from the rear seat. “Everyone roll down your windows,” although it was summer. To the driver, I said, “Turn on the heater!” “Do what?” I repeated, “Turn on your heater and it will cool the engine enough to keep going.” engers craned their necks to watch the temperature gauge slowly dropped

even as the inside of the limo heated up. Soon we were cruising speed again with hot air blowing around us. The five business suits all turned to me and said, “How did you know to do that?” I smiled and said, “I live on a farm. We make do.” We arrived in downtown Atlanta without further delay. As we arrived, one suit said to me, “Will you accept a tip for that timely advice? If we had stalled, I would have been up shit creek without a paddle. You saved my ass today.” “No thanks,” I said, ‘It was just serendipity.” Wow! Here I am, pushing 91 years, given another day! There is, I propose, a profound sense of grace in that. It could not be earned, deserved, only found, cherished, honored and celebrated. I do not walk around, exclaiming “Wow!” But I live quietly with a profound sense of the giftedness of my life, returning to mindfulness often during the day. Not that I always dwell in this frame of mind. I stumble. I fall. I get up. The falling is too much to count. What counts is that I keep getting up, responding to my True North, listening to my internal GPS, re-calculating, re-calculating. Each of us is challenged by life itself to find our own sources of inspiration, a wellspring for our pondering of our heart. Many chapters in his book are designed to assist the reader not only to become more aware of mind games, but develop a more resilient self, able to live with a deep sense of the giftedness of each unique life. I believe that the possible today is better than the perfect tomorrow. So, dear reader, if you have suggestions for my writing or for my ideas, please email me at my email address: [email protected]. I promise to reply. Pushing 90 means tomorrow is not promised.

Chapter nineteen Your Resilience Tool Kit We are programmed by our DNA to find resilience. It is the challenge of each of us to discover, develop and sustain resilience. The best place to find examples of resilience is to examine the lives and struggles of those who have struggled mightily with debilitating setbacks, including multiple medical challenges. These are the stories of blind veterans gathered and published last year. What are the themes that emerge in these interviews? 1) an embracing of their blindness and other disabilities or special needs; 2) Learning from other veteran’s attitudes, often with more severe disabilities; 3) enjoy helping one another and the friendship of other veterans; 4) most all express a strong personal faith as critical to their journey; 5) a profound appreciation of the Hines staff and the environment of kindness; 6) a thankfulness for the they have at home; 7) a sense of humor in the ability to laugh at oneself; 8) a growing sense of self-reliance despite visual impairment; 9) A mental and emotional acceptance or embrace of their conditions, as several put it, “We moved from ‘Why me?’ to ‘Why not me?’10) A welcoming, non-judgmental attitude toward one a another; 11) a quiet joy in their discovery of an increasing self-reliance: 12) A sense that they are now ready to cope with whatever, with sure resilience . Notice that two common characteristics of these stories are an acceptance and finding meaning, no matter what. Notice also these veterans have embraced the realization that while pain and loss are inevitable but suffering is a choice. They know they are choosing the reality in which they live by what they focus upon. They have reframed their blindness as a manageable personal challenge. These twelve qualities can be regarded as a resilience tool kit, However, practicing a reframe, let us examine our situation from 30,000 feet.

Resilience in its best sense is “ready for anything,” key phrase in the lead article in the July 2013 issue of Scientific American. Scientists have compiled evidence-based tactics for building resilience. Among them: rethink adversity, forge close friendships and tackle novel challenges. I suggest that these behaviors are illustrated in these veteran stories. Other quotes are: “Resilience is the ability to modulate and constructively harness the stress response—a capacity essential to both physical and mental health. Success can hinge on resilience. Obstacles are part of any endeavor, and those who react to them productively will make the most progress. A person can boost his or her resilience. Strategies include reinterpreting negative events, enhancing positive emotions, becoming physically fit, accepting challenges, maintaining a close social network and imitating resilient role models.” The phrase I like the best is “redefine adversity.” I humbly propose these veterans have illustrated those qualities here. We are so constructed to encounter and overcome adversity. This tendency is how humans have survived and thrived despite ice ages and enormous environmental challenges. However, when life comes at us in unexpected ways, this may be, we tend to think, “why me?” We tend to personalize it. A better response is “Why not me?” Whom am I to be so privileged to be spared the lot of human kind, namely, undeserved suffering? The reality is “the universe is not arranged for our happiness.” Could resilience just be the new buzz word by good mental health which can bounce back in adversity? As change accelerates in both technology and society, so do new challenges emerge for managing our stress. If resilience is handling whatever comes, perhaps it marks the total wellness needed for today even in the face of a deadly uncertain pandemic. If so, it can be learned. Resilience seems to be a kind of learned optimism. It includes a wisdom of the body, mind, and spirit that is not captured in “Emotional intelligence.” Here would be some questions to indicate the potential presence of resilience: 1. Do you have a source of hope and courage? Do you access and call upon the “better angels” of your nature (Lincoln’s phrase) or a Higher Self? 2. How well do you manage your own stress? Do you have routine ploys to rely upon?

3. Are you committed to a program of personal wellness, managing your own lifestyle? 4. Do you have a network of friends that you nourish and can count on? 5. How are you talking to yourself about your losses and setbacks? 6. Are you in this life just for yourself, or are you committed to helping some others? 7. Do you remain curious about yourself and your ability to change? 8. Do you practice forgiveness for yourself and for others? 9. Is there some service of love in which you are engaged, personal and community? 10. Can you “dance,” that is, find joy, celebration and gratitude in your life? The list can be easily expanded, for example, “Are you known for your positive attitude? Have you developed the habit of stepping back and taking a second look at your circumstances? Do you have some reflective practice you employ? How ready are you for new challenges?” However, we suggest that these questions indicate the existence of a frame of mind, heart and soul, an attitude found in these veteran stories, as they moved from “Why me?” to “Why not me?” We propose there is more than good emotional judgment. Answering these questions positively would indicate the present of a kind of resilience wisdom, that is a capacity for being ready for whatever comes next. This is your resilience “tool box.” The new highly touted VA “Whole Health” initiative is aimed at getting the veteran to take charge of their own health and wellness. This means developing a preventive wellness attitude, doing what is necessary to preserve and maintain total well-being. Could it be that these blind veterans interviewed here are the missing role model for doing this, reacting with resilience to the most severe setbacks, namely being, “catastrophically disabled”? In this season of deadly contagion and uncertainty from of every corner now forced upon us, we are knocked off balance—bumped daily—from our usual routines. This situation invites, nay demands, some recalculation, some re-

assessment of our priorities. Are we using this unexpected free time to recalculate our healthy habits, right eating, and drinking, right sleep, right attitude, right exercise, right social relations? Regular cardio-vascular exercise keeps our brains young. The healthier we get, the more resilient we will be.

Chapter Twenty Why I Should the the Blind Veterans |Association. Four reasons to start with: I like the idea of being able to get quick answers from a member organization which has advocated for blind veterans for 75 years and brought us many benefits. I would rather count on a group of blind veterans sharing with each other, to keep me abreast of new technologies, and valuable news, rather than rely on the VA. This hip gives me an association with those going through similar life changing experiences, concerns, and feelings by my peers. I can an advocacy group which will represent my interests as a blind veteran both to the VA and to Congress. The BVA helps veterans and their families meet and overcome the challenges of blindness. Services of BVA are available to all veterans who have become blind, either during or after service. The Blinded Veterans Association (BVA) was formed in March 28, 1945 and was chartered by Congress in August 28, 1958. The BVA has been responsible for obtaining many benefits for blind veterans. In 1948, the VA opened its first blind rehab center in Chicago at Hines VA, due to BVA efforts. The BVA was responsible for establishing the VIST coordinator position, then making it fulltime, then adding the BROS position ((Blind Rehab Outpatient Services). In 2007, the BVA secured blind rehab center services to be free to all veterans, not just service-connected visual impairment. By ing the BVA, you will be ing that organization that continues to represents you before Congress and the VA, not just blind veterans, but widows and children.

By ing the BVA I will have communication, friendship, and fellowship with other veterans, locally and regionally. This helps me stay socially connected and able to remain active with my veteran community. By ing the BVA I will receive regular newsletters concerning veterans and blind veterans. I can use the BVA Resource Center to pursue questions from a group caring for me. Link BVA Resource Center You can BVA now by ing the BVA hip Coordinator at 202371-8880, Ext. 315, first name Maria, or by email: [email protected], to request an application or get more information. More hip benefits from BVA website In today's fast-paced environment, association hip offers exposure to industry trends, new legislative rulings, advances in technology, and some terrific people! As a member of the BVA you have the opportunity to— • Network, network, and network some more . -develop potential clients and s -build long-term relationships -mentor and be mentored by some of the best and the brightest -find employment opportunities • Stay informed of current industry developments and trends • Share concerns and issues • Listen to 'best practices' among your peers (and competitors!) • Exchange ideas and test reactions to creative approaches • Reflect BVA hip on your resume or curriculum vitae

Earn Es (which BVA tracks Brief History. BVA traces its roots back to the end of World War II. The organization’s founders consisted of some 100 young men, mostly in their early 20s. of this unique group had recently lost their sight in the war and were recovering from their injuries at Avon Old Farms Army Convalescent Hospital near Avon, Connecticut. On March 28, 1945, the group held a meeting at the facility with the express purpose of forming an organization to help their fellow blinded veterans. Thirteen years later, BVA was chartered by the U.S. Congress to speak and write on behalf of blinded veterans in national legislative affairs. Ever since, BVA officers and staff have worked tirelessly to fulfill the Association’s mission and uphold the ideals expressed in its Congressional charter. Throughout BVA’s history, Congress and the now Department of Veterans Affairs (formerly the Veterans istration) have recognized BVA as the exclusive voice for blinded veterans nationwide. Achievements in BVA History • November 1946, BVA officially recognized by the Veteran’s istration as a Service organization • March 1947, BVA adopted resolutions in assembled conventions calling for the establishment of a comprehensive residential Blind Rehabilitation Center (BRC). • July 1948, the first BRC was opened in Chicago, Illinois due to BVA efforts. • August 1958, the 85th Congress formally incorporated the Blinded Veterans Association. The Act made BVA eligible to participate in state funds for veterans’ service work that were only available to Congressionally chartered organizations. • March 1967, BVA played an instrumental role in the establishment of the Visual Impairment Service Team (VIST) Program. • March 1978, BVA urged VA to make VIST positions full-time. VA responded

by establishing six full-time VIST Coordinator positions. • February 1995, BVA advocates for more full-time BROS positions. Congress enabled BRS to establish 15 Blind Rehabilitation Outpatient Specialists (BROS) full time positions. • January 2007, BVA recommends a full continuum of vision rehabilitation services be established. The Secretary of Veterans Affairs approved the establishment of a full continuum of vision rehabilitation care. I asked my question of one BVA member who has been with the BVA for some 30 years. Here is his answer. “There are many reasons why I ed the BVA. 1. An organization with going through the same life style changes I am experiencing, 2. Keep abreast on the new up-to -date devices available to make my life whole again, 3. Fellowship knowing you can express your vision loss and knowing others will understand, 4. An opportunity to advocate and promote blind awareness 5. Stay active in adapted sports, and 6. Connecting with blinded/vision impaired veterans throughout the United States and the Unites Kingdom once a year. Here are the guiding principles which guide the mission and work of the BVA Mission Vision Purpose Statements 01/30/2020 Mission: BVA serves as ambassadors and mentors for all Veterans and their Families coping with sight loss. Vision:

BVA continually strives to better the lives of all who served in the Armed Forces living with sight loss through: expert advocacy, engaged hip, clear communication, and peer inspired self-reliance. Our BVA family epitomizes respect, honor, dedication and commitment to sustain a thriving, informed, patriotic and connected community. Why: BVA is the ONLY congressionally chartered Veterans Service Organization created for, consisting of and led by Visually Impaired Veterans focused on the issues, advocacy and mentorship vital to all Veterans and Families coping with sight loss regardless of service connection. Deep History Here is the charge Congress gave to BVA August 1958 Congressionally Chartered Purpose of BVA: (1) to operate as a not-for-profit corporation exclusively for charitable, educational, patriotic, and civic improvement purposes; (2) to promote the welfare of Blinded Veterans so that, notwithstanding their disabilities, they may take their rightful place in the community and work with their fellow citizens toward the creation of a peaceful world; (3) to preserve and strengthen a spirit of fellowship among Blinded Veterans so that they may give mutual aid and assistance to one another; and (4) to maintain and extend the institutions of American freedom and to encourage loyalty to the Constitution and laws of the United States and of the States in which they reside. Click here to go to the website of the BVA Telephone : (800) 669-7079 Fax: (202) 371-8258

Epilogue: There’s More

After my first training at the Hines VA Blind Rehab Center in 2011, I found the tools and inspiration to write my memoir, Resilience of a Dream Catcher ((In print version 2012). This project allowed me to tell the story of my three life traumas both how I coped and the transforming that happened. When completing this memoir, I was inspired to write this poem. It seems proper to share it here as it celebrates a sense of wonder, gratitude and amazement. There’s More We can only see a little of the ocean, A few miles distance from the sandy shore, But out there – beyond, Beyond our eyes’ horizon, There’s more – there’s more. We can only sense a little of our mystery Our loves and our lives—barely a core. But out there - beyond, Beyond our mind’s horizon, There’s more – there’s more. There’s no arrival, just the journey, Each step awaiting thresholds galore But in here - beyond,

Beyond our heart’s horizon, Still pausing - there’s more. We only glimpse a smidgen of God’s love, Blink of treasures from a mighty store, But out there – beyond, Beyond our faith’s horizon, There’s more –there’s more. God’s love is boundless, goodness and mercy Flawed lovers are we – forgiveness, our chore. But in here – beyond, Beyond our love’s horizon, There’s more - there’s more. With gifts so immense, how can we thank Thee? By ing love on, love that doesn’t keeps score. But out there - still loving, Beyond our soul’s horizon, Amazing Grace - there’s more. Mine is the morning, mine is the sunlight. Every day’s precious, fresh gift to explore. But out there – beyond, Beyond our life’s horizons,

God willing, there’s more. There’s more.

Section Four Appendix One How Blind Veterans Reach the VA VETERANS ISTRATION MEDICAL CENTERS PHONES and MAILING ADDRESS Togus VAMC 1 VA Center Augusta, ME 04330 207-623-8411 x 5944 White River Junction VAMC 215 North Main Street White River Junction, VT 05009 802-295-9363 X5347 Edith Nurse Rogers Memorial Veterans Hospital 200 Springs Rd. Bedford, MA 01730 781-687-2705 VA Boston HCS, Jamaica Plain Campus 150 South Huntington Avenue

Jamaica Plain, MA 02130 617-232-9500 Manchester VAMC 718 Smyth Road Manchester, NH 03104 603-624-4366 x6475 VA Central Western Massachusetts Healthcare System 421 North Main Street Leeds, MA 01053 413-584-4040 x2058 Providence VAMC 830 Chalkstone Avenue Providence, RI 02908-4799 401-273-7100 x1554 VA Connecticut Healthcare System, West Haven Campus 950 Campbell Avenue West Haven, CT 06516 203-932-5711x3407 VA Western New York Healthcare System at Buffalo 3495 Bailey Avenue Buffalo, NY 14215

(716) 862-7439 Canandaigua VAMC 400 Fort Hill Avenue Canandaigua, NY 14424 585-393-7131 Bath VAMC 76 Veterans Avenue Bath, NY 14810 607-664-4632 Syracuse VAMC 800 Irving Avenue Syracuse, NY 13210 315-425-4400 x54010 Samuel S. Stratton VAMC 113 Holland Avenue Albany, NY 12208 518-626-5587 James J. Peters VAMC (Bronx, NY) 130 West Kingsbridge Road Bronx, NY 10468 718-584-9000 x6631

East Orange Campus of the VA New Jersey Health Care System 385 Tremont Avenue East Orange, NJ 07018 973-676-1000 x1842 Franklin Delano Roosevelt Campus of the VA Hudson Valley Health Care System (Montrose) 2094 Albany Post Rd., Route 9A, P.O. Box 100 Montrose, NY 10548 845) 831-2000 X7311 Castle Point Campus of the VA Hudson Valley Health Care System Route 9D Castle Point, NY 12511 845-831-2000 x5326 Manhattan Campus of the VA NY Harbor Healthcare System 423 East 23rd Street New York, NY 10010 212-686-7500 x3731

Brooklyn Campus of the VA NY Harbor Healthcare System 800 Poly Place Brooklyn, NY 11209 718-836-6600 x6846 Northport VAMC 79 Middleville Road Northport, NY 11768 631-261-4400 x2350 Wilmington VAMC 1601 Kirkwood Highway Wilmington, DE 19805 302-994-2511 x 4733 Altoona - James E. Van Zandt VAMC 2907 Pleasant Valley Boulevard Altoona, PA 16602-4377 814-943-8164 x 4219 VA Butler/Abie Abraham Clinic 353 North Duffy Road Butler, PA 16001 878-271-6515

Coatesville VAMC 1400 Black Horse Hill Rd Coatesville, PA 19320-2096 610-383-0231 Erie VAMC 135 East 38 Street Erie, PA 16504 814-860-2927 or 814-460-8010 Lebanon VAMC 1700 South Lincoln Avenue Lebanon, PA 17042 717-272-6621 x5507 Philadelphia VAMC University and Woodland Avenues Philadelphia, PA 19104 215-823-5179 VA Pittsburgh Healthcare System, VAPHS 646 HJH Bldg. 71 Rm. 1B107 1010 Delafield Road Pittsburgh, PA 15215 412-822-2176

Wilkes-Barre VAMC 1111 East End Blvd. Wilkes-Barre, PA 18711 (570) 824-3521 X7464 Baltimore VAMC – VA Maryland Health Care System 10 North Greene Street Baltimore, MD 21201 410-605-7650 x4497 LRC-Room 1A-119 Baltimore, MD 21201 410-605-7650 x4498 Huntington VAMC 1540 Spring Valley Drive Huntington, WV 25704 304-429-6741 x2847 Martinsburg VAMC 510 Butler Avenue Martinsburg, WV 25405 304-263-0811 Louis A. Johnson VAMC

One Medical Center Dr Clarksburg, WV 26301 304-623-3461 x3695 Washington DC, VAMC 50 Irving Street, NW Washington, DC 20422 202-745-8000 x55398 Beckley VAMC 200 Veterans Avenue Beckley, WV 25801 304-255-2121 x4223 Durham VA Medical Center Blind Rehabilitation Outpatient Clinic - Brier Creek (112V) 8081 Arco Corporate Drive, Suite 120 Raleigh, NC 27617 919-286-5235 Fayetteville HCC 7300 South Raeford Road Room # 3947

Fayetteville, NC 28304 (910) 475-6707 Hampton VAMC 100 Emancipation Drive Hampton, VA 23667 (757) 722-9961 Ext. 7070 Asheville VAMC 1100 Tunnel Road Asheville, NC 28805 828-298-7911 x5432 Hunter Holmes McGuire VAMC 1201 Broad Rock Boulevard Richmond, VA 23249 804-675-5221 Salem VAMC 1970 Roanoke Boulevard Salem, VA 24153 540-982-2463 x3356 KERNERSVILLE HEALTH CARE CENTER 1695 KERNERSVILLE MEDICAL PARKWAY KERNERSVILLE, NC 27284

336-515-5000 x 21483 Charlotte Health Care Center 3506 West Tyvola Ave Charlotte, NC 28208 704-392-1300 X 81832 Atlanta VAMC 1670 Clairmont Road Decatur, GA 30033 404-321-6111 x5994 Charlie Norwood VAMC 1 Freedom Way Augusta, GA 30904-6285 706-733-0188 x 7573 Birmingham VAMC 700 S. 19th Street Birmingham, AL 35233 205-933-4389 Ralph H. Johnson VAMC 109 Bee Street Charleston, SC 29401-5799 843-789-7575

Wm. Jennings Bryan Dorn VAMC 6439 Garners Ferry Road Columbia, SC 29209-1639 803-776-4000 x7195 Carl Vinson VAMC 1826 Veterans Blvd. Dublin, GA 31021 478-277-2718 Central Alabama Veterans Health Care System East Campus 2400 Hospital Road Tuskegee, AL 36083-5001 334-727-0550 x3459 Tuscaloosa VAMC 3701 Loop Road, East Tuscaloosa, AL 35404 205-554-3542 CW Bill Young VAMC 10000 Bay Pines Blvd Bay Pines, FL 33744 727-398-6661 X 1-4516 Lee Count Healthcare Center

2489 Diplomat Parkway East Cape Coral, FL 33909 239-652-1800 x20828 Bruce W. Carter 1201 N.W. 16th Street Miami, FL 33125 305-575-7000x 3607 William Bill Kling VAOC, 9800 West Commercial Blvd Sunrise, FL 33351 954-625-8730 548 West Palm Beach VAMC 7305 N. Military Trail West Palm Beach, FL 33410-6400 561-422-8645 Malcom Randall VAMC, NF/SGVHS 1601 S.W. Archer Road Gainesville, FL 32608-1197 352-271-6001 Lake City VAMC, NF/SGVHS

619 S. Marion Avenue Lake City, FL 32025-5808 386-755-3016 x2088 Jacksonville OPC 1833 Boulevard Jacksonville, FL 32206 904-475-5868 Tallahassee OPC 2181 Orange Ave. East Tallahassee, FL 32311 850-513-7606 VA Caribbean Healthcare System 10 Casia Street San Juan, PR 00921-3201 787-641-7582 x31294 VAMC Paseo Del Veterano #1010 Ponce, PR 00716-2001 787-641-7582 x48047 (Mayaguez) x 44261 (Ponce) James A. Haley Veterans' Hospital 13000 Bruce B. Downs Blvd.

Tampa, FL 33612 813-903-2442 James A. Haley Veterans' Hospital 13000 Bruce B. Downs Blvd. Tampa, FL 33612 813-903-2414 Orlando VAMC (122) Rm. 2C210 13800 Veterans Way Orlando, FL 32827 407-631-2101 William V. Chappell, Jr., VA OPC 551 National Health Care Drive Daytona Beach, FL 32114 386-323-7534 Lexington VAMC 1101 Veterans Drive (BROS/LD) Lexington, KY 40502-2236 859-281-3916 Louisville VAMC 800 Zorn Avenue

Louisville, KY 40206 502-287-5049 Memphis VAMC Optometry Section 1689 Nonconnah Blvd., Ste. #120 Memphis, TN 38132-2101 901-523-8990 x1-5577 Mountain Home VAMC P.O. Box 4000 Mountain Home, TN 37684 423-979-2979 Tennessee Valley Healthcare System, Nashville Campus 1310 24th Avenue, South Nashville, TN 37212-2637 800.228.4973 x66770 615-524-1483 (VA Cell) Cincinnati VAMC 3200 Vine Street Cincinnati, OH 45220 513-559-3567

Dayton VAMC 4100 W. Third St. Dayton, OH 45220 937-268-6511 x3514 Louis Stokes VAMC 10701 East Boulevard Cleveland, OH 44106 216-791-3800 x2108 Youngstown OPC 2031 Belmont Avenue Youngstown, OH 44505 330-740-9200 x1580 Chalmers P. Wylie VA Ambulatory Care Center 420 N. James Rd Columbus OH 43219 614-257-5325 Chillicothe VAMC 17273 St. Rt. 104 Building 127, Room 110 Chillicothe, OH 45601

740-773-1141 x 7855 VA Ann Arbor Healthcare System 2215 Fuller Road Ann Arbor, MI 48105 734-845-3064 Battle Creek VAMC 5500 Armstrong Road Battle Creek, MI 49015 269-223-6607 John D. Dingell VAMC 4646 John R Street Detroit, MI 48201 313-576-1000 X64888 Richard L. Roudebush VAMC (Indianapolis VAMC) 1481 W. 10th Street Indianapolis, IN 46202 317-988-2576 VA Northern Indianna HCS, Fort Wayne Campus 2121 Lake Ave.

Fort Wayne, IN 46805 260-426-5431 x72650 Aleda E. Lutz VAMC 1500 Weiss Street Saginaw, MI 48602 989-497-2500 x11852 Jesse Brown VAMC 820 South Damen Avenue Chicago, IL 60612 312-569-7531 VA Illiana Health Care System 1900 East Main Street Danville, IL 61832-5198 217-554-5406 James A. Lovell FHCC 3001 Green Bay Road North Chicago, IL 60064 (224) 610-7168 Edward Hines Jr. VA Hospital 5th & Roosevelt Rd. P.O. Box 5000

Hines, IL 60141 708-202-2351 Iron Mountain VAMC 325 East H Street Iron Mountain, MI 49801 708-202-2117 William S. Middleton Memorial Veterans Hospital 2500 Overlook Terrace Madison, WI 53705-2286 608-256-1901 x11960 Tomah VAMC 500 E. Veterans Street Tomah, WI 54660 608-372-3971 x66440 Clement J. Zablocki Veterans Affairs Medical Center 5000 West National Ave Milwaukee, WI 53295-1000 414-384-2000 x41832 Kansas City VAMC

4801 Linwood Boulevard Kansas City, MO 64128 816-861-4700 ext. 56294 John J Pershing Medical Center 1500 N. Westwood Blvd. Popular Bluff, MO 63901 573-686-9784 Harry S. Truman Memorial 800 Hospital Drive Columbia, MO 65201-5297 573-814-6458 VA Eastern Kansas Health Care System Dwight D. Eisenhower VAMC 4101 S. 4th Street Leavenworth, KS 66048-5055 913-682-2000 x53825 Robert J. Dole Medical and Regional Office Center 5500 E. Kellogg Wichita, KS 67218 316-651-3682

Marion VAMC 2401 West Main Marion, IL 62959 618-997-5311 x54815 St. Louis VAMC – John Cochran Division 915 North Grand Blvd. St. Louis, MO 63106 314-289-6588 (Direct Line) Alexandria VAMC P. O. Box 69004 Alexandria, LA 71306 318-473-0010 x2047 VA Gulf Coast Veterans Health Care System 400 Veterans Avenue Biloxi, MS 39531 228-523-5000 x36762 t Ambulatory Care Clinic 790 Veterans Way Pensacola, FL 32507 850-912-2552

Fayetteville VAMC 1100 N. College Avenue Fayetteville, AR 72703 479-443-4301 x65364 G.V. (Sonny) Montgomery VAMC 1500 E. Woodrow Wilson Drive Jackson, MS 39216 601-364-1551 G.V. (Sonny) Montgomery VAMC 1500 E. Woodrow Wilson Drive Jackson, MS 39216 601-364-7937 Central Arkansas Veterans HCS John L. McClellan Memorial Veterans Hospital 4300 West 7th Street Little Rock, AR 72205-5484 501-257-5070 Southeast Louisiana Veterans Health Care System 1601 Perdido Street

New Orleans, LA 70112 504-412-3700 x 7215 Overton Brooks VAMC 510 E. Stoner Ave. Shreveport, LA 71101-4295 318-990-4839 VA North Texas Health Care System Dallas VAMC 4500 South Lancaster Road Dallas, TX 75216 (214) 857-2018 El Paso VA Health Care System 5001 North Piedras Street El Paso, TX 79930-4211 915-564-6102 Michael E. DeBakey VAMC 2002 Holcombe Blvd. Houston, TX 77030-4298 713-791-1414 x 23894 Michael E. DeBakey VAMC 2002 Holcombe Blvd.

Houston, TX 77030-4298 713-791-1414 x 25398 South Texas Veterans HCS 7400 Merton Minter Blvd. San Antonio, TX 78229 210-617-5300 x18928 South Texas Veterans HCS 7400 Merton Minter Blvd. San Antonio, TX 78229 210-949-8929 Central Texas Veterans Health Care System 1901 Veterans Memorial Drive Bldg. 215 room 120 Temple, TX 76504-7451 254-743-0199 Harlingen VET Health Care Center Harlingen, TX 78550 956-291-9000 x69235 Amarillo VA Health Care System 6010 Amarillo Boulevard, West

Amarillo, TX 79106 806-472-3400 x3553 Muskogee VAMC 1011 Honor Heights Drive Muskogee, OK 74401 918-577-3666 Ernest Childers VA 9322 E 41st St. Tulsa, OK 74145 918-577-3666 Oklahoma City VAMC 921 N.E. 13th Street Oklahoma City, OK 73104 405-456-3915 1766 Majestic Lane Billings, MT 59102 406-373-3943 VA Montana Health Care System 3687 Veterans Drive P.O.BOX 1500 Fort Harrison, MT 59636

406-373-3943 Cheyenne VA Medical 2360 E. Pershing Blvd. Cheyenne, WY 82001 307-778-7550 X7229 VA Eastern Colorado Health Care System (ECHCS) Jewell clinic 14400 East Jewell Ave Aurora , Co 80012 303-283-5478 Grand Junction VAMC 2121 North Avenue Grand Junction, CO 81501 970-263-5080 PFC James Dunn Pueblo VA Clinic 4776 Eagleridge Cir. Pueblo, CO 81008 719-584-5126 George E Wahlen Medical Center 500 Foothill Drive

Salt Lake City, UT 84148 801-582-1565 x1555 Sheridan VAMC 1898 Fort Road Sheridan, WY 82801 307-675-3961 Alaska VA Healthcare System and Regional Office 2925 DeBarr Road Anchorage, AK 99508-2989 907-257-3776 Boise VAMC 500 West Fort Street Boise, ID 83702 208-422-1228 Portland VAMC 3710 SW U.S. Veterans Hospital Road (P-3-EYE) Portland, OR 97239 503-402-2986 VA Roseburg Healthcare System

913 NW Garden Valley Blvd. Roseburg, OR 97470-6513 541-440-1000 x 44384 VA Puget Sound HCS 1660 S. Columbian Way Seattle, WA 98108-1597 206-764-2758 VA Puget Sound HCS 1660 S. Columbian Way Seattle, WA 98108-1597 253-583-1287 Mann Grandstaff VAMC 4815 N. Assembly Street Spokane, WA 99205-6197 509-434-7670 Jonathan M. Wainwright Memorial VAMC 77 Wainwright Drive Walla Walla, WA 99362 509-525-5200 x26255 VA Southern Oregon Rehabilitation Center & Clinics

8495 Crater Lake Hwy. White City, OR 97503 541-826-2111 x3300 VA Pacific Islands HCS 459 Patterson Road Honolulu, HI 96819-1522 808-433-0159 VA Central California HCS 2615 E. Clinton Avenue Fresno, CA 93703 559-225-6100 x5252 VA Northern California H10535 Hospital Way Mather, CA 95655 916-843-7053 VA Palo Alto Health Care System 3801 Miranda Avenue Palo Alto, CA 94304-1290 650-852-3431 VA Cell: 650-272-4409

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VA Palo Alto Health Care System 3801 Miranda Avenue Palo Alto, CA 94304-1290 650-852-3431 VA Sierra Nevada HCS 1000 Locust Street Reno, NV 89502 775-786-7200 San Francisco VAMC 4150 Clement Street San Francisco, CA 94121-1598 415-221-4810 x 22813 VA Cell 415-988-2474 New Mexico VA Health Care System 1501 San Pedro Drive, SE Albuquerque, NM 87108-5153 505-265-1711 x2774 Carl T. Hayden VAMC 650 E. Indian School Road

Phoenix, AZ 85012 602-277-5551 x7236 Northern Arizona VA HCS 500 N. Hwy 89 Prescott, AZ 86313 928-776-6018 Southern Arizona VA HCS 3601 South 6th Avenue Tucson, AZ 85723 520-792-1450 x 15608 VA HCS 3601 South 6th Avenue Tucson, AZ 85723 520-792-1450 x14501 VA HCS 3601 South 6th Avenue Tucson, AZ 85723 520-792-1450 x15632 VA Southern Nevada Healthcare System (VASNHS) 6900 N Pecos Rd. Mail Code 117

North Las Vegas, NV 89086 702-791-9000 x13453 VA Long Beach HCS 5901 E. 7th Street Long Beach, CA 90822 562-826-8000 x5696 VA Loma Linda Healthcare System Ambulatory Care Center 26001 Redlands Blvd Redlands CA 92373 909-825-7084 x7054 VA San Diego Healthcare System Mission Valley Clinic 8810 Rio San Diego Drive San Diego, CA 92108 619-400-5028 VA Greater Los Angeles Healthcare System (GLA) 11301 Wilshire Boulevard Los Angeles, CA 90073 213-253-5050

VA Greater Los Angeles Healthcare System (GLA) Sepulveda Ambulatory Care Center 16111 Plummer St. North Hills, CA 91343 818-891-7711 x39387 Fargo VAMC 2101 Elm Street Fargo, ND 58102 701-232-3241 X33056 Sioux Falls VAMC 2501 W. 22nd Street PO Box 5046 Sioux Falls, SD 57117-5046 605-333-6891 Minneapolis VAMC One Veterans Drive Minneapolis, MN 55417 612-467-1814 Minneapolis VAMC One Veterans Drive Minneapolis, MN 55417 612-629-7009

Omaha Division - VA Nebraska Western Iowa Health Care System 4101 Woolworth Avenue Omaha, NE 68105 402-995-3188 VA Black Hills Health Care System Hot Springs Campus 500 North 5th Street Hot Springs, SD 57747 (605) 745-2000 x2919 Des Moines Division - VA Central Iowa Health Care System 3600 30th Street Des Moines, IA 50310-5774 515-699-5410 Iowa City VAMC 601 Highway 6 West Iowa City, IA 52246-2208 319-338-0581 x 6889 St. Cloud VAMC 4801 Veterans Drive

St. Cloud, MN 56303 320-255-6480 x7802

Appendix Two More VA Resources for the Blind Veteran Below lists Blind Rehabilitation Center The direct line to the Blind Rehabilitation Center, would be accomplished by call the Number which I have provided: (13 Blind Rehabilitation Centers) Central Blind Rehabilitation Center Hines, IL First BRC program started in the U.S. Established in 1948 PHONE: 708-202-2272 Western Blind Rehabilitation Center Palo Alto, CA Established in 1967 PHONE: 650-614-9952 Eastern Blind Rehabilitation Center West Haven, CT Established in 1969 PHONE: 203-932-5711 American Lake Blind Rehabilitation Center Tacoma, WA Established in 1971 PHONE: 206-764-2758 253-583-1287 Waco Blind Rehabilitation Center Waco, TX Established in 1974

PHONE:254-297-3649 EXT: 53649 254-743-0199 EXT: 40199 Southeastern Blind Rehabilitation Center Birmingham, AL Established in 1982 PHONE: 205-933-8101 Puerto Rico Blind Rehabilitation Center San Juan, PR Established in 1986 PHONE: 787-641-7582 EXT: 211412 EXT: 211413 800-449-8729 Southwestern Blind Rehabilitation Center Tucson, AZ Established in 1994 PHONE: : Augusta Blind Rehabilitation Center Augusta, GA Established in 1996 PHONE: 706-733-0188 EXT: 6991

West Palm Beach Blind Rehabilitation Center West Palm Beach, FL Established in 2000 PHONE: 561-422-8426 Long Beach Blind Rehabilitation Center Long Beach, CA Established in 2010 PHONE: 562-826-8000 Biloxi Blind Rehabilitation Center Biloxi, MS Established in 2010 PHONE: 228-523-5000 Louis Stokes Cleveland Blind Rehabilitation Center Cleveland, OH Established in 2010 PHONE: 877-838-8262 216-791-3800

Appendix Three Our Favorite Songs Add These Happy Songs to Your Smartphone Accentuate the PositiveAll I Ask of You Always Be Humble and Kind Always Look On the Bright Side of Life Amazing Grace (Judy Collins) Amazing Grace (piano) Amazing Grace (Susan Boyle__ America the Beautiful Angels Flying Too Close To the Ground As Time Goes By Autumn Leaves Beethoven’s 5th, 7th and 9th Climb Every Mountain Don’t Fence Me In Don’t Get Around Much Anymore Empty Chairs, Empty Tables God Bless America

Happy Days Are Here Again Here I Am, Lord How Can I Keep From Singing? I Can’t Get Started I Dreamed a Dream I Know You by Heart Imagine (John Lennon) It Had To Be You It’s Only a Paper Moon Let It Be Mack the Knife Mairzy Doats Morning Has Broken My Blue Heaven My Favorite Things My Old Kentucky Home Nobody Knows the Trouble I’ve Seen Oh What a Beautiful Morning Oh! Susannah On the Sunny Side of the Street On Top of Old Smoky

Over the Rainbow People People will say we’re in Love Prayer of St. Francis Pure Imagination Salve Regina Send In the Clowns Singing in the Rain Something Good Sound of Music Suddenly Swinging On a Star Take It to the Limit Take Me Out To the Ball Game Thankful (Josh Groban) There I’ve Said It Again This Little Light of Mine Too-ra-loo-ra-loo-ra, An Irish Lullaby What a Wonderful World You Are Loved’ You Raise Me Up

Appendix Four. Mentoring Your Family Veteran. that example speaks louder than words. When your veteran is upset, try not to be upset with him, at him. Remain calm, which is much easier said than done, but practice makes perfect. that much, if not all, of his frustration is anger with himself at his own limitations, which he daily faces. Try to get your family veteran to read this book with you and to discuss each part. There are 30 parts, so that is a lot of discussion. He has access to the free digital . You go ahead and read the entire book as it will provide insights for your coaching. The most important chapters for you are the ones unforgiveness and Reframing. any situation can be reframed. “It could be worse!” Be ready to are-arrange the house for the convenience of your blind veteran. In particular, do not leave glasses close to kitchen counter edges. As we walk about the house, we often touch or hold things to help guide us. When you hand a fork or knife to him, hand him the handle first. Above all, keep your sense of humor. Laughter is the best remedy for upset. In particular, try to that your veteran’s anger, although too often directed at you as his closest person, is really anger directed at himself, frustration with himself. We all do this. When what is too uncomfortable to face inside, we project it outside. This insight may be the most important advice in this appendix. When you want your veteran to change some behavior, try putting it in form of a question, (after things settle ), “Is it possible if you do X, then Y will happen?” also that we are hard-wired to focus on the negative. That would be explained in chapters 5-9. In addition to the many new awareness tips you will find in reading this, my little book: Win-Win Finesse, How to Deal Positively with Negative feelings will be helpful.

It is important in your caring, that you find time for yourself, for relaxation, reading, exercise, shopping, whatever. You will also find the chapter 13, “Do You Manage Self-talk?” Know that it is your loving care that sustains your family veteran more than anything else in the world, Practice gratitude, He or she is STILL with you. Count your blessings. Neither of you, neither of us might not be here tomorrow.

Appendix Five: If I Were God Musings of an Ancient and Wounded Therapist Were I God I would dive into the darkest shadows of being human, into profound pain, outrageous loss, unbearable suffering, and I would swim towards Light taking with me as much of the brokenness everywhere and of all time as I could gather. Were I God I would live in despair finding in hope. I would be the inspiration of a poem, the rainbow, the dew on the grass,

the color of fall, the gentle breeze, the kind word, the tender touch, the laughter of children. I would abide in every flower, every seed, every cry and sigh, I would be the possibility of each new moment. I would be weakness finding strength, never lording it over others, but in every humble service, pitching my tent among the poor, preferring the outsiders. I would nestle in vulnerability: risking and giving Self, Welcoming the stranger. Were I God I would hide so carefully within all creation

that I could never be caught. I would be so unutterable as to resist being talked about, and hate the name "God" ing the oppression done in my name. I would exist beyond any word any symbol, any possible expression, but I would dwell in every human groan. I would avoid expected places: some pulpits, rituals, churches. Were I God, I would never be snared by theology, religion or even prayer. I would exist solely to be given away, never to be comprehended or held by safe orthodoxy:

far more verb than noun. I would be yearning for freedom, ion for justice, thirsting for peace, searching for truth, craving for affirmation, ardor for sharing, the making of love, and the ecstasy of surrender. I would be in every form of hurting and its transcendence. I would be gleamed in lowly favors, generosity, courage, simplicity, comion but especially in forgiveness. Were I God, I would be aborning ever new in the bruised and lonely heart. I would be found more

in doubt than in certainty more in questioning than in righteousness. I would need to be intimately concealed because the human ego is so ready to use Me to elevate itself by judging others.

––––––––

Were I God, I would enjoy leaving clues, riddles and traces everywhere, being tracked only by valiant searchers. I would let myself be glimpsed in sunrises and sunsets in the wonders of nature

in human loving in quiet stillness and becoming little in EVERY human story. Christmas, 1991, Paschal Bernard Baute

Contributors My main editor, reading every word, at least twice, has been my partner in life, Janette. I am immensely indebted for her generosity and steady help. She advised on many phrases and her encouragement was awesome, as she also still is. None of my books would have been possible without her love. Gregory Guiteras, another friend of some 65 years, now retired as a professional artist and graphics illustrator, designed the beautiful, striking and meaningful cover. He is owner of Guiteras Decorative Finishes, Wood Finishing and Restoration (retired); former instructor, counselor and coach at Saint Leo College. Greg holds an M.A. French Language and Literature, Laval Univ., Quebec, CAN He has illustrated medical publications as well as “Famous American Women” and “The Story of Joan of Arc,” both Dover Publications. John R. Meyer, PhD. Professor emeritus, academic educator, author, editor, researcher, advocate and change agent. He continues to be a volunteer advocate for major specific senior issues and local United Way impact oversight. We have now been friends for 67 years. Peggy McAllister is a graphic designer and all-around creative person. Projects from design and illustration to building renovation keep her entertained. A longtime pal of Paschal, she is inspired by his projects. As you can view by this total book cover, she remains my personal “Go-to!” graphic genius. She illustrated my children’s picture book, Lottie Mae, The Turkey Who Could Not Stop Dreaming, aimed for special needs kids, age four to 94. Charlie Eyer, Veteran friend and partner in much storytelling, has been a resolute eagle-eyed editor ready to help with many of my books. My dear friend ed about the time of the first printing of this book two years ago. Born in the same year and both raised in a small Kentucky town, we shared an immensity of interests. I tell the story of one of the greatest honors of my life to be called to with him in his last moments, with the amazing synchronicity of heart we shared in these moments. I tell this story in my book Celtic Grace, “His Last Request.” BVA Paul Mimms, Thomas Zampieri, Elizabeth Holmes and

Cheryl Gajadhar were very helpful in the final stages of this book, in particular, gathering VA information in Appendix One and Two. Cheryl has her own consulting business helping VA facilities with special needs of blind veterans. Her company, CNRI Services, have been servicing VA veterans for over 15+ years in the areas of Computer Technology, iDevices and any Blind/Visual Impaired product. Many parts of this guidebook came from previous writing where early and encouraging was critical to its formulating. I am grateful to all my consulting friends, past and present. Every blind veteran who allowed me to interview them made this book possible. I am grateful that their stories may touch many others. None of my writing, none of my books, none of my creative energy would be possible without the generous spirit and professional savvy of the staff of the Hines VA Central Blind Rehab Center in ‘Chicago.

About the Author Dr. Paschal bAUTE is a blind veteran with a VA diagnosis of “Catastrophically Disabled” who conceives his mission at age 90, to keep on demonstrating that a severe handicap can become a manageable challenge. He served his country from 1948 to 1972, on and off, active and reserve with all four branches, longest as a Navy Chaplain. He is also a survivor of metastatic stage four cancers for now 26 years. With VA help,, his macular degeneration seems arrested. Dr. Baute is blessed also to still have his wife of 51 years, his ski buddy who got us into downhill skiing when she was 50 years old. We skied regularly the next 31 years. He is blessed with three children, three grandchildren and two great grandchildren. He took vows of poverty, chastity and obedience as a Benedictine monk for 16 years. The monks external work was conducting a College Prep school. They turned that educational work into St. Leo University. He was their first Dean of Student Affairs. He has taught also at theodiversity of Kentucky and Midway University where he created the Human Resource Management curriculum. Dr. Baute created the resilience for the inward journey program for repeat addictive offenders with Participant Workbook and Leaders Guide, which ran for ten years in Fayette county detention center (Lexington) and for three years in jessamine county (Nicholasville. He was a member of the Lexington storytellers, telling folk fairy tales to countless school children and special needs adults for ten years. He finds, at age 90, amazing grace, awesomeness everywhere, and is still unbelieving he has completed this collection of awesome stories started four years ago. He writes books for his community of blind veterans. His themes are resilience, wellness and grace. Check out the pretty covers at In print version and eBook. His logo (on copyright page) indicates his mission in writing is to help create an inner dialogue which matches the outer form, i.e., an authentic self. His ministries are: 1) coaching and mentoring both the volunteers and the current the inmates together, for these programs; 2) wedding ministry at our beautiful outdoor Amazing Grace chapel; 3) writing books to demonstrate that a handicap can become a manageable challenge, 4) regular chaplaincy to our blind Veteran community here in Lexington; and 5) first in priority, being a loving to

all family and friends here. Dr. Baute has degrees from St. Benedict’s College, University of Notre Dame, Loyola University (M.A. in Psychology, 1965), University of Pennsylvania (Ed.D. Psychology, 1967) and Saint Leo Seminary. He retired from a clinical and consulting practice in 2015. In September 2018, Paschal was honored to be inducted into the Kentucky Veterans Hall of Fame Honor Roll, Class of 2018, for both outstanding military service and outstanding community service. The commendation read in part: “LTCDR Paschal Baute... service to his communities is voluminous, a testament to his love of God and an insatiable ion to help others, even after being diagnosed by the VA as "catastrophically disabled" (legally blind).”

Other Books By Paschal Baute Available in ebook format Blind Veterans Coping with Loss The Gap in Our Divided Nation Celtic Grace: Thin Places Did Jesus Die for Our Sins? Equalog Contract: Discussion Guide Forgiveness and Transformation God Overheard: Take Five! Daily Meditations for the Thinking Believer. How Can I Make My Prayers Work Better? If I Were God: A Celtic View Living With Gratitude: Highways and Byways Me and My Shadow Self Mind Games: Awareness and Resilience Resilience of a Dream Catcher, A Spiritual Memoir Secrets of Intimacy: How to Stay on the Next Pillow Union of Psychology and Spirituality What Kind of a Perfectionist Are You? Where Do I Find God Stories Where Do I Find God Stories, v. 2

Win-Win Finesse, 2 volumes, with Discussion Guide Win-Win Finesse: The Art of Dealing Positively with Negative Feelings . Available in print version: Blind Veterans Coping with Loss, due March 1, 2020 Bridging the Gap in Our Divided Nation Celtic Grace: Thin Places Equalog Coontract for Coupes Did Jesus Die for Our Sins? If I Were God: A Celtic View Laughing at My Perfectionism Living With Gratitude: Highways and Byways Lottie Mae: The Turkey Who Could Not Stop Dreaming Resilience 29 Lessons in Coping Resilience of a Dream Catcher Resilience for the Inward Journey; A Program for Overcoming Addiction. Leader’s Manual (Co-author with Maurice Mercier) Resilience for the Inward Journey; A Program for Overcoming Addiction. Participant’s Workbook (Co-author with Maurice Mercier) Resilience: Journey of Self-Discovery Secrets of Intimacy: How to Stay on the Next Pillow

Shit Stirrer in the Oval Office Skin in the Game Therapy Card Sort The Complete Counselor Tool Kit (147 hforms) Where Do I Find "God" Stories Where Do I Find God Stories Where Do I Find God Stories, volume two

If You Like This Book Then go to the In print version book site for the print version of this book. . Underneath the title, you will find a link: “leave Customer Review” click on this link, and a drop-down box will open for you to decide how many stars to give this book (hopefully five?) Then you will be invited to leave comments in a box. If your comments are approved, they will show up about a day later on the book site for other customers to read . Also, find Living with Gratitude: Highways and Byways, in print and eBook, and his memoir, telling of surviving of three life traumas, Resilience of a Dream Catcher .For your grandchildren, he has a picture book, Lottie Mae, The Turkey Who Could Not Stop Dreaming, designed for children, ages 4 to 94, designed for special needs kids and adults. Secrets of Intimacy, unpacking twelve avenues of love connection is available in print and soon in eBook. You may email me your comments link [email protected]. If you put “Your Book” on the subject line, I will try to answer these first. Thank you for this consideration. I close this piece of work with a few favorite words. Kindly examine one of my newest releases” Celtic Grace: Thin Places. CELTIC GRACE is found everywhere: in nature, in children, in love, laughter and tears, in setbacks and suffering, wherever the human spirit wonders and ponders the meanings of things. Celtic grace is also found in darkness and shadows, courage in facing whatever. Celtic grace is a mindful dancing to the fullness of life in all its ups and downs. It is living with a grateful heart arising from the inward journey, finding blessing everywhere, even in pain and loss. Celtic grace embraces the wisdom found in all faith traditions. It is more comfortable with mystery than certitude. Celtic grace can never judge another’s faith because it deeply knows that faith is an undeserved gift.

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Did you love Blind Veterans Coping with Loss? Then you should read Celtic Grace: Thin Places by Paschal Baute!

CELTIC GRACE is found everywhere: in nature, in children, in love, laughter and tears, in setbacks and suffering, wherever the human spirit wonders and ponders the meanings of things. Celtic grace is also found in darkness and shadows, courage in facing whatever. Celtic grace is a mindful dancing to the fullness of life in all its ups and downs. It is living with a grateful heart arising from the inward journey, finding blessing everywhere, even in pain and loss. Celtic grace embraces the wisdom found in all faith traditions. It is more comfortable with mystery than certitude.